Friday, February 27, 2009

uh-oh, why are you here? :D

just kidding.

i've moved. AGAIN, yes i know.

http://eternalfacade.wordpress.com

i've never felt so down before.
the emptiness is killing me.
days are spent helping friendships that are in crisis.
i'm glad and thankful that i still meet up with friends.
without their company and the amazing conversations, i'd probably crack.

i saw s' hoodie in my wardrobe.
it's the only physical thing i have right now.
the rest that i hold fondly to are the memories.
i wore it and cried to sleep yesterday night, or rather this morning, considering how i slept at 7AM.

i need to stock my room with food seriously.
i'm eating a lot.
in a two hour frame, i had a big bowl of beef noodles, another big bowl of instant noodles, and 2 pratas.
now, i'm feeling hungry again, barely an hour after the pratas.
i'm channelling phoebe i swear.
exercise is extremely effective in increasing one's appetite.

- - -

'got my dreams, got my life, got my love,
got my friends, got the sunshine above
why am i making this hard on myself?'

i feel so alone.

(an extremely long post. sufficient warning provided)

with my internet down, it forces me to find other means and ways of doing things that i want to do.
(my internet is up and running as of ten minutes ago)
it's rather sad really.
just today i pondered why, just what caused the poverty cycle to hit the malays so badly.
a friend of mine went to the mosque, and the staff got wind of the news that he's strong academically.
he was asked whether he would be willing to provide free tuition to underprivileged malay students.
the numbers are staggering.
even i recoiled in shock when i saw how bad it was.
but really, teaching isnt an easy job, and doing it for no incentive isnt something that would propel my friend on.
it's a sucky feeling really; to not do something when you're actually empowered to help and it's due to monetarial reasons.
what's worse; ignoring something that we wanted to help alleviate.

- - -

a friend of mine asked whats with s and i.
well, it's complicated cause neither party wants anything more.
it's all about maintaining the status quo.
like belinda said: 'time will tell.'.
i guess some simply can't wait to find out.
which i find pretty strange, cause the last time i checked, it was a problem afflicting me and s.
perhaps, just perhaps, i don't think i'm one with the courage to constantly keep myself positive and look ahead.
on the contrary, i'm a total opposite.
past events shape what i am presently.
i don't think i can stop bad incidents from making me cynical.

some people look at a situation and say that they'd change.
in relationships, if they find someone great, they'd refuse to be cynical anymore, and would instead want to experience something they've ignored.
i question myself whether i'm able to reach that level.
whether i'm able to ignore what happened; to move on.
you don't forget, no one can.
i don't know whether that's right.
living in a relationship while you're constantly reminded of the shadow of your past.

i guess i could try.
(stares at s)
if you'd try to.
maybe after your body catches up to gmt +8 time zone yes?

- - -

moving on in life.
i'm so very angry with how some people can be such..
bastards, for lack of a more vulgar term.
like really, i'm giving everything in the friendship.
if that aint bad enough, you're exploiting everything.
i borrowed my library card to a friend.
it came back with a fucking fine of five bucks.
work it out, the book's been due for three weeks.
reason being; i'm busy!
i hate the fucking statement:
'i'm busy.'.

it really makes me realise that some people are just fucking insensitive.
they think they're the only ones on this fucking planet.
they think their lives is sooooo packed, when others are up to their breaking point with work and what not.
it's all about them, them, them.
listening to them talk is like listening to someone who's head is ten times the size of their bodies.

'i'm soooo busy!'
'i'm swamped!'
'i'm soooooo shagged!'

it's 'i', 'i', 'i'.
get a life.
seriously.

oh fuck, my blood boils just recalling the conversation i had with that particular person.
couldnt even apologise, no.
worse, tried to turn the tables and made it seem like it's my fault.
saying that i should've reminded him of the due date, when the fucking receipt was stuck in his fucking wallet.
next time if i borrow a book, dear friends, PLEASEEEE remind azri when he has to return them alright?
cause apparently azri doesnt have a fucking brain to remind himself of the due date, NOT.

god, some people's attitudes SUCK, period.
okay, i've evidently blew off enough steam.
i'll probably need to blow some more steam sometime next week.
i'm still being bombarded by lazy people who think azri is their planner and whatever else.
god, how i wish i learnt separation techniques at a more advanced level.
recently i've learnt that you could extract cyanide from tapioca.
tapioca is readily available and freaking cheap.
i could extract a lethal dose of cyanide and put inside their drinks!
see them froth and die.
how pleasurable.
......
......
and masochistic.

seriously, being too nice is considered a fault.
you're taken advantage of and you've no one but yourself to blame.
nicole's in the same situation now, and my heart goes out to her.
it sucks, sucks, sucks, totally.

- - -

was leafing through some pictures that i printed out.
it's amazing how fast certain friendships drift apart.
you remember being the best of friends.
discussing heartfelt issues, gossiping about everything, bitching about arses that we meet.
you remember making promises you'd achieve later in life.
attaining the 5Cs, having a stable relationships, marriage even.
you'd think/believe that they'd always stick with you.
but now, two years since those conversations existed, you're smiling awkwardly at these people you had wanted to be there, celebrating with you when you got your promotion, or when you finally exchanged wedding vows.

at some point or another, you kinda knew that you needed to talk.
the other party was busy.
i know i'm making it seem as though it's not my fault.
but when i really think about it.
it takes two hands to clap, every single time.
i felt as though while my hand was there, it was meeting air.
hence, the relationship/friendship crumbled.
you ache as you felt your heart cave in on itself, cause you lost something you believed in, albeit a little naively.
the memories live on, in your heart, in your mind, and if you're lucky, in the form of something physical.
a photograph that you printed out, and in my case, a photoframe that samantha gave me.
all of us, so closely knitted back then.

as time passed, i recall a few of us, trying to call each other up, hoping that we could all meet up.
our hopes were high, but sadly, we met with uncertain answers.
people not sure of whether they'd turn up, which usually ended with them going MIA on us.
we try and try again, but after a while, it felt as though we were fighting a losing battle.
trying to maintain a sinking ship.
think titanic, yo.

i know this is a little too sappy, but somehow it's just sad.
like right now, as i type this, i'm also looking at a picture that i took with a person whom i thought could have been a great butt.
HAHAHAHA, everyone calls me 'butt' now.
(shall explain later but 'butt' essentially means 'buddy')
it's just really sad, that we're not even on talking terms now.
sometimes i wonder whether it's a fault that lies with me.
like maybe i suck at friendships.
which is why i openly tell my current friends that i'm so scared of losing them.
i can't imagine losing the bitch-ers/es, the friends i made in jc, and (inhales deeply), the remaining friends i'm still in contact with from secondary school.

even now, having just graduated from jc, there's already people i fear losing, or maybe have even lost.
like i still miss huiqun a lot, and i still hope to know why things changed so radically between us.
i'm not saying that i hope that things will be back to jc1 times.
some things simply cannot be mended in that manner.
but i just hope to understand the reasons, to help ease the pain a little easier.
she's a great friend, and i still remember so clearly the things we used to do together.
then again, bringing up something that happened so long ago, might be a little stupid.
i don't know whether she'd want to discuss it in the first place.
bottomline is, she's really happy, and i'll take heart in that fact.

oh dear, i think i need to hug phoebe soon.
we both go sappy over friendship stuff a lot.

so dear friends/readers, if you think that you've got a friendship that needs to be salvaged, or is on the brink of crumbling, it's time to get moving.
though of course, if the opposing party is not willing to budge, that's another story altogether.

- - -

my aunt came over today.
she stepped in and the braces are back on! (:
j butt is getting her braces done too!
and is p butt doing them too?
omfg, we're gonna be a bunch of braced bitch-ers/es.

i think i learnt an important lesson today.
that i respect my aunt a lot, because she's religious but doesnt blindly follow it.
during my a level (omg) period, my mom told me to just pray.
like answers were gonna drop onto my answer booklets if i did.
(rolls eyes)
my aunt however told me to put in effort before praying.
it's as though my aunt realises that while having devotion to a greater being is important, she knows that you cannot create that devotion for your own gain.
she asks herself why is it important to eat halal certified food and that kinda stuff before following it.
acceptance before devotion, basically.
i still recall that day when my aunt bought a cake from this shop that doesnt have a halal cert.
she convinced eight adults about the principle of halal certified food and everyone ended up eating the cake.

the thought of having my whole set of teeth wired together is not very pleasant.

- - -

this post is one long post, and filled with what, seven different emotions?
from irritation at that fucking internet connection, to anger and disappointment at some people's attitudes, to sadness that some friendships drift apart, to happiness that braces are back on, to awe and admiration for my aunt.

yes, since jazzy wong beat me in writing an update of the bitch gang picnic, i suppose it's time for me to write mine.
the picnic was fun, though i'm still sad that christine, xq and alex didnt join us.
i guess certain things, just... happen.
moving onnn, the picnic itself was fun.

PICTURES, PICTURES.
i'd love to have put everything up, but tonnes of them are really unglam, thanks to our spontaneous photographer, cepheus chan, who snapped pics with a lightning-quick trigger finger.
so exciting, TEEHEEHEE.




'as i was saying, relationships are really important, don't you think so?' asks jazzy.


'no, i don't think so,' replies azri.










phoebe looking pretty, and me looking stupid. (who took this pic?! must be jag)


personally love this picture.
the background and everything is nice.
not bad, belinda! :D

- - -

accommodating everyone is exhausting.
like suddenly i'm supposed to be there for everyone, in this way or another.
more often than not, they don't give two hoots about how i feel.
hg called and started venting at me about his workplace when i was having a high fever.
it was all about him, when i should me having some time to myself, to recuperate.
butt feels the same way and it's hilarious (in an inane way) how we said our anger was enough to reduce our rooms to ashes, or scare away a herd of lions, or.. make medusa lose her hair.

it's tiring really.
waking up feels tiring. )x
it's like, i see new messages on my phone.
some ask me whether i've found them a job.
some ask me out, when i don't want to go out with them.
some ask me whether i can do this or that for them.
nonetheless, it's heartwarming to see the sms-es that i WANT to see.
i can't wait for swimming at yj's place in a few hours.
i can't wait to meet j and sheenabong for bridewars. (3rd time!)
i can't wait for dinner with p, j and sher.

this post is purely random.

thanks to JKK for the treat to fried mars bars, movie and wonderful kebabs for dinner.
sorry for being so moody; parents totally didnt help the mood.

thanks MS and NL for the treat at marche's.
and for hugging me in front of fifty people as i cried in vivo.

thanks HG for the treat to macs cause you knew i'm not eating.

- - -

looking forward to meeting the oh-eight people for cny at yijia's place, or was it benjamin's?
can't wait to meet j, p and shermaine too for dinner.

- - -

talk with HG today was quite scary.
he thinks that i have too many friends, to the point whereby others don't feel comfortable asking me out to catch up and stuff.
oh dear, i really hope none of my friends feel this way cause i love each and everyone of you equally.
if i've neglected anyone, sincerest apologies and please scold me! :D
we'll go out asap okay? :D

not eating anything but bread for three days straight finally caught up with me.
felt so weak and head hurt like crazy.
i couldnt even stand without swaying.
this is oh so very bad.
sighs.

goodnights world.
i hope this headache and queasiness that i'm feeling is temporary. )x

- - -

one week more to meeting you sher!
if i'm feeling well that is, otherwise, you're so going to cab down here instead. :D

parents were totally unreasonable.
after giving the all-clear sign, they decided not to give me permission to head to australia.
after the tickets are bought.
after everything's more or less settled.
disappointed beyond comprehension, i swear.
it's the last holidays that we'd have, and this had to happen.
a 'no' after a greatly celebrated 'yes'.
after which they decided to use me as a reason for why my sister aint' doing well as compared to her peers.
yes, why not blame me for global warming? poverty?
blame me for every single thing that afflicts humankind.
makes things easier don't you think?

- - -

highly annoyed with the behaviour of certain characters.
i don't mind hanging out, i swear.
but don't disregard that i've a social life as well.
my life don't revolve around yours.
DON'T try to make me reshuffle my stuff so as to ACCOMMODATE you.
it's not a friendship of convenience.
if it is, tell me, cause i'd like you to fuck off.

- - -

had a picnic with the bitch gang two days ago.
will do a proper update when i receive the other half set of pictures from butt A.

- - -

technically speaking, i'm supposed to meet sheena, mj, j and aa later.
but since now the australia thing is moot, i doubt i'd go.
makes it even more depressing.

hypothetically speaking, i'm supposed to meet yj, cal, jon, bel, mel.
after the fight with my parents about how everything's my fault the decision to withdraw their agreement abruptly (that reduced me to tears) i don't feel like doing anything but rotting at home.

i've ran out of terms.
strictly speaking, i'm supposed to meet j, p and shermaine for steamboat at bugis.
which is a really rare thing cause shermaine's a total bumblebee; immersed in her work.
honestly, i'm just so worn out from feeling depressed and stuff.
my parents are just so..

on a sidenote, i think i've changed.
a few years back, i'd have pepper the post with vulgarities, and more often than not, i'd call them fuckers.
mellowing aren't we?

- - -

let's just say everything's comfortable.
i know people look at us and wonder whether there's something more.
friends question whether we've more for each other than what we admit.
honestly, i don't really like how they can peer into our hearts, yet we're questioning each other every now and then.
i've my reservations and you've yours.

i think that i can't live up to the societal stereotypes.
you think that the friendship might get affected.
i think that i'm not over previous emotional scars.
you think that rushing emotions will only cause more confusion later on.
i think that national service may cause things to drift apart.
you think that relationships can become dangerous emotional pitfalls.

perhaps, we aren't exactly what others may call friends.
it's just different when we're together.
where silence can be so comfortable.
we could just lie on the beach and stargaze without ever saying much.
we know that a pat on a shoulder can mean so much.
we enjoy each other's company and seek to have it whenever possible.
we'd play silly games to keep ourselves from worrying.
if one of us was down, the other would do stupid faces and whatever else, to make things a little more cheerful.

i guess it's the things that we have now that makes us have reservations towards taking things one step further.
if the relationship doesnt work out, we might neither have a friendship nor the things we used to enjoy.
it seems like we choose to maintain the status quo, but subconsciously, without even realising, we could be crossing that fine, fine line.

you're scared cause you used to think that guys just wanted girls for show.
cue for jojo's 'how to touch a girl' to play.
'are you thoughtful and kind, do you care what's on my mind, or am i just for show?'
past relationships didnt work out, and having this great friendship seems good enough.
i'm scared because i've never experienced a true relationship before.
it's all outta whack and hence i'm all cynical and jaded.
i believe in strong friendships more than i do in relationships and i don't know what i'm doing to myself if it does get to another level.

i guess the good thing is that we're honest.
no guesswork.
no poking when it comes to finding out what's on each other's mind.
stargazing night was amazing.
just lying down and gazing at the orion constellation.
(oh god, i just got reminded of astronomy. laughs)
pouring out our hearts cause we both knew it's been on each other's mind.

man, i wrote this with hopes that things seem a little clearer, but it's not working out.
s! write one of your own. :D
we'll compare.
(:

have fun in england.
i'm not fine, that i'll admit.
but i'll get over it.

- - -

from now on, everyone who wants to make plans with me will have to do so three days in advance.
i'm tired of all this 'oh-azri-you're-free-so-you-totally-got-to-help-me-when-azri-is-actually-not-free'.
and i freaking need a planner.