Entry 15
Saturday, May 22, 2004

~Confused, lonely.~

Am I walking alone, or just taking a different road? Why don't I see any of my friends ahead or behind me? I feel so lonely. It is a dark road ahead, but where are the lights? Or maibe maybe I am blind, or maybe it is because everything's dark, or maybe I'm lost. Did God made me tearless? Or is there a problem with me? Maybe I just cannot cry. Ha!

However, I can feel the tears inside, struggling to get out. Does not the moon feel lonely on its orbit? Oh ya, she has the stars' as her company. What about me? Am I abandoned, or juz forgotten? They all say that the world's a colourful place but are colours black and white? Or the colour of my world black and white?

Many do not know what is love. However, if you wanna know love, you hafta know pain first, for he'll accompany you most of the time when you're chasing love. Why do I know everyone's heart but none know mine? Am I hiding more from them, or am I guilty more than them? The end of the world would only be reached only when you have reached the end of your heart. And I think that I've reached mine.

Do I speak Norse or Tongues, why can't someone understand what I am feeling? Is it that my feelings are too deep or is it that their feelings are too shallow?

If the world's really colourless, cruel and unfeeling, then why did God give us eyes? To witness their ruth? If the world does not wanna listen to me, then why do they have ears? I love the nose. Cause it helps me to smell you from afar, the smell that differs from person to person. God gave me touch, so that I can touch you, touch your heart. If I can taste the world, would it taste bitter or sweet? If God created me out of love, then why did he give me a heart? To love those who would not love me back?

Why was the telephone invented? To put people closer or further apart? TV programmes are the greatest liars for nobody's life is so beautiful and perfect. Nonchalant even, at times. The world is funny. When I bare my heart, they say that I cover it. When I veil it, they say that I am being truthful. FOOLS!

My teacher once told me why Man likes money. Not because of money itself, but because they think that money brings happiness. I remember a saying: "The higher you climb, the lonlier you are." What is the point of being high at the top, nobody's there to share with you your happiness? Why did a man watch his beloved leave with another? Because when he looked at her back, he saw her happiness. And he smiled. For love is about making the other happy, and not yourself. I have a lot of friends, but others have only one or two, maybe none. But why don I feel happy?

Maybe because none know me well. I think that I'm the only one giving and they're just taking everything open-handedly. Taking my heart and tearing it into shreds. I am asking myself now:

"How long can you keep on writing this?"

My answer:

"I do not know."

When can my misery in life stop? When can those whom I love in my life love me back? Ask them first, don't ask me. For I'll stop when THEY DO.