Entry 16
Saturday, May 22, 2004

When I have stood beside you, laughing alongside your jokes. Hiding my tears, hiding my pain. Watching you smile, forgetting my pain, albeit temporary. A smile that makes me wade in joy, rejuvenating myself from the stabs of love. A melancholy so perfect yet complex.

In my whole existence, you have never touched me. You have only touched my heart. Touched my soul. I have loved and cared but have never been loved or cared for in retuen. Since the you-know-what incident, a barrier of ice has been erected between us. A barrier as cold as ice and as strong as steel has been erected, blockiing all forms of communications between us.

All conversations has been bared to a minimum and sometimes, none at all. Actions; restricted. Now, we are never as close as we were the previous time. Maybe we would get closer again after the barrier has been destroyed, but would it be destroyed...?? That would be another question altogether. But even if time were to heal our friendship, our wound, our friendship would not be the same as it used to be. As the saying goes, "A broken Chinese pot when mended would never look the same.". This would go as the same to our friendship in the far scenario that our friendship were to be mended and the barriers erected destroyed.

When I saw you with another guy with a ravishing complextion, a complextion that can only be achieved or come with love from a partner. Although you were happy, my heart was enclosed with a casing of tears. No matter how much I try to force the tears out, forcing my eyes to borne out pain, nothing comes out. The pain stays within me, unmoving, emotionally, rampaging around in my rummaged and torn heart, plummetting down like storms of feocious waves.

I am torn apart by my love for you and my friendship with you. Which is more important? Friendship or love? I think both. But can love and friendship seamlessly match to form an eternal relationship that lasts? Or would it be like a piece of chewing gum? A relationship that would continue with the presence of sweetness but is ended or thrown away when the sweetness is extinct and blendness is borne? Can a true and proper relationship be borne...?

Maybe, maybe not. Nobody knows for sure. Only He knows. I am not going to make any guesses for guesses are risks and finally, I do not take risks most of the time and I am not going to start now. People always say that there is nothing in this world that is not impossible but I disagree to that. First of all, I do not think that a friendship-cum-relationship would work out. And secondly, how many has seen good students going out with other students from good schools. For example, has anyone seen a Nanyang Girls High School student sprawled on top of a The Chinese High School student...?? If anyone has, too bad. I haven't. This just goes on to show that there are some things that can or may be impossible but it is just that everyone's vision is narrowed down to their own thinkings. Well, this is my thinking. And it is up to you to believe or create your own thinking to influence others.

Not my problem.

Another thing, I have yet to see students who are very very close friends with each other becoming steadies. I have yet to see this phenomenon as well. For there is a saying that friends on good term with each other can hardly come together. But maybe this can happen. I would really want to see. I AM NOT BEING SACARSTIC IN SAYING THIS. I AM SPEAKING OF THE TRUTH. I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THIS. But one thing is for sure. It is going to be rare. Very rare.

I have seen many RGS girls going out with their steadies but hardly are there steadies who are both from the top schools. Only on one occasion did I witness an *** gal with a *** guy. Was hell romantic. But usually most girls go out with guys who have street cred. Or they go for guys who are ruggers from Anglo-Chinese Independent. And I am not. Even if I do make the grade to Anglo-Chinese Independent, I do not think that any girls would fall head over heels for me. Farid and Khairul think I am cool but I just go out with girls too often. I do not know whether they are sincere truthfully or are they just making me feel hopeful. But I guess that I shall thank them for making that comment.

Thanks guys.

I am not like you Farid. I do not have a hunk physique. I am not athletic. And if you put a cockroach in front of my face, I would probably scream my head off till the heavens shake. I am not cool.

I am also not like you Khairul. You got punk and attitude but I have not got such a thing. I think I lack more than what I gain. Compare me to other guys in my class. From Danny to Sufyan, from Malcom to Peter, there is something they have superior to me.

I am feeling inferior again and I always feel inferior. But what can I do?

Sit and hope most probably.

My tears rarely come out and I hope that someday, they would come out with no tears restrain. Let me cry my tears out. Cry till my tears run dry. Just like what I would do when I sing. Sing the Song of the Sadists...