Entry 20
Saturday, May 22, 2004

Today, on this faithful day, I had been tortured. By none other than Jun Xiang, my god brother. I guess that accepting his offer to help me with training was a big mistake. He has been drilling me this past few days. And maybe I know why but I shall not make any guesses, as I do not think that it would show any prudence by doing so.

Omigod. He really killed me. This was what he made me do.

50 push-ups, 60 sit-ups, 30 squats and the list goes on and on. I had only water and toilet breaks. But what was amazing was that he did it with me. But he chugged smoothly while doing the exercises, I was like having an ungreased engine. Pausing here and there. My god, Mike was also there and he was also doing the exercises with no complaints at all. But I was kind of grunting all the way like a pig. While Jun Xiang did not show any mercy, Mike did steal some sympathetic looks at me and did persuade Jun Xiang to ease my repetitions but to no avail.

But thanks for trying, Mike. Owe you one.

We trained at Jun Xiang's house and his sister was all staring at us in his room. Wished they could give me privacy. Jun Xiang sweated like Niagara Falls and his spot in the room was heavily blotched with sweat. And his body gave off this weird babyish smell. No wonder people call him "cute" immediately after that, he saw me staring at his figure and he kind of changed into his normal self. Kind, caring, understanding and empathic. I was jealous and I could not help it.

I bathed at his house. Too uncomfortable to do anything else. Felt so nice to have icy water land on my tanned skin. Feel so nice and cooling. Refreshing to my senses. Then I saw something on his sink. Olive oil skin. Now, I know where he gets that glistening skin and flawless complextion. I came out and towelled myself dry. Not in their presence of course. They may be my god brothers but I do not allow them to see my thing. You all know what that means.

Mike and Jun Xiang went in together. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel that they are gay. But they are not, they have girl steads. Jun Xiang's once wet with sweat skin came out rejuvenated with that glisten and Mike with that normal snow like skin of his. But now not so snowy alrh. More like tan also. Like mine.

I felt like crying. Not only could I prove to the world that I was not a gay or a sissy but I could not even have lustrous skin like Jun Xiang. But he sensed my emotions, I guess, as he always does. And he always does. He held out the bottle of olive oil lotion and told me to go inside the toilet and apply it on. And I did. And I got that glistening skin that I have always wanted. I could not hold back my tears. I just fell into Jun Xiang physique. I did not care what the whole world thought. He has made me feel so belonged. He has always made sacrifices and I have never realized that, until now. And i feel so guilty with myself for doing that.

I sobbed with all my heart's restrain. Okae, I have cried three times already, no more crying. That was my vow. And I am gonna keep it.

Sometimes I wish that Jun Xiang was my real brother and not my god brother. And when I said that, he said that he would be my blood brother and I cried even harder. I could not take it. I cried and cried without stopping. He has cared for me all this while and what have I repaid him with? Mock jealousy over his steads? Or despise over him? I am in the wrong and I should have humiliated myself as my crime is worse than death. I have humiliated someone who has cared for me all this while. When I have finally had a grip on myself, I let myself go of him. When I did so, I felt a hot tear on my forehead. I looked up. I saw that he was crying. Not really larh, but the tears was just letting go. He did not look at me but outside the window. And I knew what he was thinking, his problem. It is amazing how minor my problem is compared to his. I felt so lost at myself not able to help him.

It was the first time in all of out friendship that he cried. I once asked his mother out of curiousity as to whether Jun Xiang cried a lot during his childhood and his mothersaid rarely. She said that he was one of a kind. Rarely cried. Now he cried and it is so weird. Gina then came. She was freaking out of her wits when she saw Jun Xiang's tears. HaiZ. I wanted to console Jun Xiang myself but Gina has the alma matter to comfort him. Then he summoned me and told me this:

"I do not mind being your brother. Being a member of you inner family. I know that sometimes you talk about me behind my back, because I am much better and more able than you. You feel that I am more able. Okae, fine. I may have more muscles and more dominant in sports. You can be as good if not better than me if you try. And if you are willing to have proper training for it."

I cried again. I know that I was being petty with complaining jst now. And I regret that. I decided to accpet his offer to train me. So now I have.

Basketball training. Tennis training. Swimming training and so much more. I am gonna be more black. Better go buy some sunscreen.

Well, I gotta go and play Gunbound. Never play for so long. Good niteZ diary.

But before I go. I wanna say this:


I aM ReAllY SorRy, JuN XianG. FoR BeINg aN UttEr FaiLuRe anD a BIg GoSSipEr! I HavE NeVEr APPreCiatEd YoU, YeT I StIll TalKed AbOut U BeHinD My BaCk! SoRRiE, GoD BrO!