Entry 22
Saturday, May 22, 2004

to you:

i know you think i'm a dreamer, a blank dreamer building castles in the air that will eventually crumble into invisible mountains of dust.

you've made that clear enough, announcing it publicly to everyone. and i've never said anything about it, except to tell you to shut up.

it's amazing how close we can get sometimes, and how we can be looking at each other from different poles sometimes.

but it's seldom i decide that telling you something has been good. is there really an urge in you to tell people what i tell you, when it doesn't concern them in the least? when it's more or less supposed to be kept a secret?

i don't expect you will be reading this, but if by a pure stroke of luck or if someone had told you.

i don't really give a shit what you think about me. if there's one thing i dislike too, that is sore losers. was i wrong to say that you never expected the loser to end up you?

and were you really right to start sulking after that? to go on sulking and finally in the end say 'okay, FINE!' so grudgingly? if you really think i should respect the rights of others, would you please respect your own honour by keeping to your promises?

bear in mind, in the first place i do NOT give a damn about what whoever thinks of me. that is a very frank word. and IF the person wants to be -that- worthy of my respect, the person HAS TO BE WORTHY OF RESPECT. anyone's, not just mine.

(i respect people, let me tell you that. i respect ser cos' she's totally WORTHY of it. do you know her character? do you know her attitude? do you know why i respect some people and not others?

you will NEVER know.)

i don't want to force someone to the point of agreeing to stuff so grudgingly. if others are going to be so -nice- as to look around for you, you jolly well appear. does being angry give you any right to make others run around like dogs?

sure, you never -told- them to run around. but i don't suppose you never KNEW. and what's more, did you have any right to be angry?

at the stairs, he did tell you that we could go to the middle, but you better remember you also DEMANDED we get down. point being? if you dont' want to come up, do we want to go down? if we can get to a compromise, why don't you agree to it?

who's being petty?

'Juz sitting around...' what's that supposed to mean. are we going to find you? i'm SO sorry. your darling ran around though he apparently had a stomachache, and all you did was send those sa3 jiao1 sms-es.

hello? i'm a guy. i know what you are thinking. even if i'm not entirely right, i think your attitude sucks. and your darling was so keen on finding you, but you just sat somewhere happily and let them run around.

PLEASE. even if it's not pride, i wouldn't have stayed a second longer. do you realise it's probably equivalent to wasting time looking for a fucking spoilt girl?

i'm not going to run around and look for you. am not your slave, nor nothing else. if you want to go home, just go home. no one's stopping you. if your darling wants to stop you, he CAN go with you.

so what if i have ego? don't you? doesn't everyone?

i daresay my attitude does suck to people. but you better remember that i generally treat people all the same way and i don't lose that SORELY. i'm not going to run after a spoilt girl. what do you want me to say? sorry?

NEVER. not to a person like you, not to anyone i never offended.

i can assume all i like, and say whatever i like. please bear in mind that this is the rights my life has granted me.

whether i feel it's right or not, or whether it is in truth, in sarcasm, those are my remarks.

whether i had any purpose in saying them, it's up to you to decide, and i'm not going to clarify.

let's just leave things in the murky depths of gray, and stab each other in the dark, locking ourselves securely in each of our protective shells and refusing to look at each other in the face, then.

because i never respect selfish people.










do you remember how i used to be me?






i think you do.