Entry 29
Saturday, May 22, 2004

there's a certain limit to whatever i'll do, i guess. in a way, i think i'm quite selfish. this i won't make any effort to deny. anyway, i've never met a totally selfless person before.

people confiding in me is starting to get on my nerves. i'm not even sure i'm mentally able to tahan their problems when i can't even get my own out of my head. the phone keeps on ringing nowadays. chris, xy, ian, kelv, rong, and so on. i'm really tired of all their problems.

problem being, i guess i do care to a certain extent enough not to tell them to shut up and leave me alone. what am i supposed to say. i know i hurt people sometimes, with my sarcastic, razor-sharp remarks, but why are they so sensitive?

some people tell me i don't have a conscience.

haha. .. if i don't have a conscience i would have let loose a torrent of what i really feel. and then that would have been the ultimate.

problems, here and there. isn't everyone supposed to deal with their own problems? i don't ever recall me telling anyone the real, real problems i have. no, never. not even my mum or dad.

which never worried anyone because i'm not one of those people who let on anything abnormal from my normal behaviour.

why can't others be like this too?

do people really think i don't have any problems? math, silver, minor financial crisis, scholarships, third language. .. dear God the list is like, endless.

don't ever promise anything you know you can't keep.

random musing, actually. heavy guitar is driving me a tad insane. i need a guitar, fuck it, i need an electric guitar to keep me company. but i just lack the financial means.

what the hell do i want with a piano?! yes, i suppose the piano music is pretty, but after a while even that grates on my nerves. even if i'm in a high grade i can't exactly match up to other classmates with the same grade.

when i'm in basketball i can't match up the others when playing a casual game, and strangely in competitive games i always win.

my piano teacher says i have talent. my basketball coach says i have qian3 neng2 -- potential. so what's the problem with me? it's not a form of consolation, because my coach and teacher are an alien type that only tell you if you're good. my teacher's worried about my piano exams, my coach is now feeling frustrated cos' i want to quit basketball.

what's the fucking problem with me? because i don't want to try, yes, because i don't want to try. i'm too lazy. bleh.

and then when i finally delve into art and design, which is actually my core talent, i'm not going to try, i guess. i can draw, but i don't want to. i don't want to spend time shading and darkening the outlines.

some people claim i'm multi-talented, and oh how they wish to be like me. God, i don't see how i can be multi-talented if all i produce is a nice little comic -only- when i feel like it. or a nice ream of poetry.

it's only when i feel like it. it's only when i want to put in the effort.

i don't believe in inspiration, really. i think that's bullshit. i think if you force your brain hard enough something has got to come out. that's how i get those supposed 'inspirations'. so people, stop harping to me about inspirations. i don't take that crap.

i can give up all these 'talents', just so long as my dream is fulfilled, really.

i don't know why i'm making such an insane statement. anyway don't chain me to that. it's just a random statement.

i'm a sadist? haha. .. actually that term has been used to describe me so many times, i've forgotten who originally called me that.

oh well.

sing for the sadists,
raise to power the pessimists.

and the world will be a better place.


no i'm not fantasising. just thinking. and my thoughts go a great deal too off the mark i guess. weirdist. i think i think a bit too much. (see how it totally clashes?!) but all i think i want to think is that my dreams will come true.



go figure out the last statement