Entry 30
Saturday, May 22, 2004

Has my life really been deceived all this while? From my parents, friends, living relatives, teachers... Everyone... I feel so shunned away from this world. I can never feel needed or wanted from this world. And sometimes, I can have this empathic feeling that some of my sisters are talking bad about me behind my back. Is it really true that the wrold hates me? Or is it just me being overly sensitive? Which one is it? Why can't I know?

Hello, it's technically my life.

I have always told myself that I am being too sensitive over things. Matters that shouldn't bother me anymore, especially since I have been shunned all my life. But why do I feel like this? Maybe, just maybe, the whole world really hates me. And some people knows it but is hinding it away from me.

I try to be temperamental. Accepts things as they come. But everyone has their limit, including me. Shuqunites, don't make me laugh. Just because my aggregate is high in our school doesn't mean that I am the highest. I am totally outclassed by majority of my friends and also the country's students. And I just cannot stand it when you all try to make me feel so bad especially when I get good grades and you accuse me for putting a fake show.You think I just sleep through the day and night and do not study at all is it? And my grades is just because I very "tai ko" ? Damn you!

How can you even say that I am tai ko? I worked hard. Unlike some people who cry because they did badly but actually they never studied. Whose to be blamed? I'll remain neutral. I have some sisters who are in volleyball, train like crazy every week, but I know that they put in effort. You don't, so stop putting that act, you fucking bitch! I am going mad.

Some friends of mine ask me normally if I am alright, but when I try to hide the reason, they just fuck off. Am I in the wrong to be hiding my misery. If I were to tell the whole world about my fucking problems in life, you'll be straing at me with a gaping expression. Simply cause you cannot believe that ehind me lies a miserable past. I only know some people whom I can trust; my god siblings, best friends and some confidantes but I am always at a crossroad as to whether I should tell. I feel angry with myself. I cannot decide whether I am guilty of hiding more from them or their felings just too shallow.

We all have problems. Some of my friends say that I am such a free lancer where I do not have to worry about anything. Omigod, how can they say that? I do have problems. Third language and so on. Since when the saying "Don't judge a book by its cover" became extinct? LOL. Somethimes, conversations between me and people gets weirder and weirder.

Many myths and legends say that guys are the ultimate sex and that we alone stand superior. Think about it, guys may be the stronger sex and the usually steadfast, girls are the ones who tend to be very empathic. Usually, if you see someone crying, the girls are first to be there to console them and not the guys. And my friend once said;

"It spoils our ego too much if we console those who cry".




God, help me.




Since when egos were affected if one consoled? In my opinion, it increases your ego. Nvm. I'm not in the mood to preach about anything. Now I know why Melinda started calling me a sadist. My sadisticness is shown much in this entry.

Hai, some people are mad with me. Jialing is one and Serene is another. I do not know if amendments can be made. But I hope that it can. I'm seriously tired of being angry or angered at by someone. I just do not want to be... Well, sadistic. Heez.

Well, I seem to be moody these days. I don't really know why. I think everyone's right. I have to cheer up. But I am not sure if I can cheer up especially since I do not know the source of my own misery. I really hate not knowing the source of the feeling which is now tugging desperately at my heart.

Everyone says that it is okae, okae to be emotional. I do not want to be emotional, partly because I have promised myself and some other people in my life not to and also because I have to be strong for my stead. Anyway, I kind of broke this agreement since I have cried this year. Couldn't help it. Too many depressing events that is making me nuts and bonkers.

Not only that, my best friend in Shuqun, Evelyn is now not my friend anymore. I think that it is our fault. Both of us, I mean. She did not tell me my bad points and I did not tell her hers. Now, both has to suffer because of it, but I do not think that she is suffering from the loss of my friendship with her. She is already dependent on her own, without bother, and if she needed help, she'd go to Belinda and also Alicia and Yun Yu. Needless to say, I'm not needed anymore.

Eileen, don't be jealous, she's my goddamn best friend in Shuqun, nothing more than that. Although some people do state otherwise. Don't believe them. It's just a crackpot joke that they always make because we always talk to each other.

~WTF~

YX sms-ed me. That is very weird. He has never sms-ed me; it is always the opposite. Claiming to want to... Damn. Better not say anything here. I've got no prior permission from him to state this in my diary but I shall not elaborate.

I am emotional now, I guess. Simply cause my problems can hardly be solved. But I sure hope that it could. And if my tears were to flow, I'd let them flow free. Again needless to say, the world stops when you've reached the end of your heart; and I think that I've reached mine. But I still hope that one day, the world would truly accept me and allow me to have strong bonds with everyone.

















But in the mean time. I shall sit back. ...























And let pain ride me all throughout.