Entry 32
Saturday, May 22, 2004

It is amazing. Amazing indeed. It is amazing by the fact when I look at your badge, yes, your Raffles Girls Secondary School badge, everything slams into me like an ant being blown by a tornado. A tornado of memories. Memories of the good, the bad, the sad and the anguishing. I cannot help but feel grasped by these memories, that I struggle for air. Gasping for air.

Everything feels my innerself.

I may have never held the badge. I have never even slided my fingers over the badge, but the karma is always there. A karma that alerts me whenever I see someone holding or wearing it. The karma which my becoming can sense and taste, a taste unique from any other. The karma has driven me forth incessantly and has never failed to do so. Drives me to do something and makes me try to excel in it no matter what I do.

Jiang Ning.

Your undeniable passion, love and determination for studying pushes me even further to do well. You'd think that I learnt to love Shakespeare and all of Dickens' novels by just reading through them...?? No. It was because you made me love them, because I loved you and I learnt to love those that you did. And I have benefited greatly from that. And all this was achieved, by thinking of the badge, thinking of you.

People think that I am crazy to be so much devoted to you. But if you had born into this world, and initially not knowing your parents until you are about five, you would want to love somebody and be loved in return. I had only known my parents when I was five, simply because they had always let my relatives look after me while they were busy chasing dreams in the corporate world. I don't mind. I understand. They want to have able earnings to make our family able. But I need some love, to grow, to breathe, to create.

Maybe this is desperation, a desperation of love. Some girls who asked me to be their steads just wanted me because of my wealth and my looks. Omigod, wealth and looks? Since when did I say that I had wealth? Or looks? Omigod, these nonsensical girls, eff off. I hate people liking me because of my status. I want a girl who likes me because of who I am. And I don' t think that anyone would.

Simply because when I was in primary school, I liked to lie, as I was not brought up well. Brought up in a wrong state of mind which was so drastic that I had to differentiate the good from the bad on my own. And I cannot differentiate on my own.

I have always loved you, not because of your milky skin, your beautiful laughter, or the fact that you are from Raffles Girls Secondary, but for who you really are. Some ex-classmates think that you are a goddamn right bitch, but I don't think so. I think you are unique and your uniqueness is something which I think lies superior to others. Your laughter is so beautiful, you are matured and hold your head so properly during times of doubt, unlike other girls. I am not putting other girls down, but this uniqueness is something that I believe is the most powerful strength in the world.

What can I do? You are now happy with your stead. You are with a guy who treates you the way you should be. I now have such a great weakness over 5566's Boyfriend that I cried in class when I heard it. It was so spooky in the sense that it narrated me. I was drove into hysterical tears and immense laughter when I heard it. I couldn't really believe myself. Do I really love her so much that a pathetic song from a boyband can make me cry so terribly. Is it that emphatic on me. God empathise me. I don't want to be pushed off a ledge by such things. I really love you but crying because of songs? That is too unimaginable.

*buries head in hands*

You have changed a lot. But not in the sense that it is bad. You've have changed for the good. A note to, eerm, your stead. "Look after her okae, shower her with love and passion and caring. Be there for her when she needs you most and remember to give her attention, something no one but you can give. I am counting on you."

I love you a lot. But I know that to love, one needs to know pain. And I think I have known pain well as I am aware of pain following me everywhere I go.

I think that there is no point in life sometimes. Life still go on and the world shall still spin with or without me. So wads the point of me living when my existence would not make any difference to the world. I do not think that anyone would miss me. Only some, but I think that it would be only for a while. After that, my departure shall be eternally forgotten and I shall rest alone. Without anyone. Without anyone for company. And I think that that would be depressing, but I have gotta live with it, in the event that it happens, but I hope that it doesn't