Entry 64
Wednesday, July 7, 2004

recently, my friends has gotten the idea that madeline is the one i like, with reference to my msn nickname. i mean. .. what the fuck? why madeline of all people? she is jusy a good friend. that's all.

omg, i was like vomitting out semen when my friend said that. madeline, no offense meant. i know that a lot of guys find you damn ravishing. but seriously speaking. i would never like a close friend. full-stop.

okae, i think that somehow, i feel down. but i seriously do not know why. and thus i came online and now trying to write out all my feelings here and now. .. well, here goes.

i wont deny that sometimes i spend time with friends who are girls more of my time. since so many of my friends would like to know the reason, it is because back somewhere in my life, one of my friends died because of guys. i am not sure if it was suicide or murder. but i doubt it was murder. from there i was seriously hurt. and i could not really trust guys. till now, i cry over my friends death. i just cannot put trust in guys and even more in becoming close friends with guys. i do not want another death to result from trusting guys again. i know that not only guys are bad. but because of this event, my trust for my own gender friends have been lost down the drain. and thus, i have come to trust more of girls.

and maybe from this, a chain reaction from spending time with girls, i have become a bit girlish. i cannot deny that, but i do not care what my guy friends thinks or whether they would like to shun me as i know that i am just trying to protect myself from the doom that i have once faced. my friend who died was a person that i admired and leaned on and now he's gone from trusting guys too much. i do not want to face that ever again. it hurts too much.

i cannot deny that even with my trust lost for males, i still would like to be able to trust them again and spend time with them and not necessarily with just girls. i feel inferior when i am with my guy friends and i do not know why when it is because of such a dark incident. i feel that i should learn to trust them again, but whenever i do that, i feel scared. i feel burdened. i start to feel a sense of karma that something bad is going to happen. i feel as though history is going to repeat itself. no matter how i try to reassure myself, nothing cheers me up. and seemingly, i feel really angry with myself for feeling that way. i try over and over again. but my heart never seems to be able to open up to them. only with my god brothers. and even so, i think i confide with my god sisters better though. how bad do i feel about all this? hard to picture. yes.

sometimes, i just go somewhere alone. try to reflect on things. but sometimes, i just breakdown. others, my friends found me and thus, my reflections are broken. i cannot do anything about it. i just would like to know why cant i trust nigel, khairul, steven, benjamin, chuntee, peter, jestyn, zihao with my problems, but i can trust, xinmin, cass, vickie, atikah, serene, eileen, eleen, madeline, crystal, jiang ning, belinda, evelyn, brittany, charlene, teresa, yunyu, alicia, adeline, jolin, and so many others.

am i being selfish that i dont try to trust or are they being evil for making me lose trust in them that i had a long time ago?

this question popped ever so often in my mind since three years ago and till now, i dont have the answer. i sit still and think every hour. when i do work. when i type. when i go out. all the time. but three years has elapsed and yet the answer still doesnt come to my mind. i would like to have more guy friends. people who are of the same gender. talk about things at even a more personal and trustable level, but it seems now that that is something totally impossible and thus i am at a cross stand.

i swear that i am temperamental and emotional. maybe that is because i have always had to go to girls for my problems and not to guys. and sometimes, it is hard for them to understand from my perspective. when i cry, my tears are so heavy that they sinks to the cove of Gaia. and when i get temperamental, i can be so angry that i kick things till they smash to atoms. harhx. i seriously feel that i need some anger management. like letting go of things and knowing how to control pain that i undergo during problems.

relationship problems. jiang ning. i liked her for like three or four years. but seemingly, i guess that being my first ever rejection, i was hurt for a year. at the very least. and now she has a stead from saint josephs institution. from what i heard. and i cannot help but be hurt. that guy she is with is someone whose of a close friend to me and maybe that hurt me more, i guess.

second was well, samantha. i cannot figure out the shit as to whether it was a crush or love. but when i got hold of news that she has a stead, i kind of broke down too. .. oh well.

eileen. .. too embarrassed to talk about that.

eleen, very much embarrassed and hurt too. the first time we met, i got to know a lot about her and thus from there, i kind of felt scared, that knowing too much about her and suddenly getting rejection in the end. i am afraid that that might be the end for me. and i think that the day when i confess to her, if i get rejection. .. then i think i shall stop there at relationships. and maybe try again when i am older and more matured at these things.

as for my family. just the thought of it fills me with so much pain. .. and trauma. the good, the bad and all those unpredictable feelings.

i would like to say, here and now, that i wrote this purely out of my friends' sake. i am crying now as i type out all the pain that i have gone through. and as a consolation, typing is not as painful as saying to a close friend or mate. i do not know if people out there trusts my story or not, so i shall leave it at that. i am pained, i have been pained and shall always remain pained.


eileen, eleen, joachim, teresa, zijia, kaidi, wilson, valerie, victoria, cassandra, xinmin, nigel, khairul, sufyan, jiawen, adeline, weini, zhongru, yanfong, xiangwei, serene, gina, crystal, madeline, jiang ning, jason, jun xiang, mike, louis, lo ee, joey, patricia, xueli and all my beloved friends.

this is what i have been through. i hope that now, you realize my pain and that below my cheery expression and happy smile, there is pain, extreme pain that i ahve been through. that exists forever in my heart.