93; inferiority
Saturday, April 16, 2005

i am fighting with some severe bouts of inferiority again. and sadly i am feeling damn bad about it. i mean. i feel as though i am not doing myself justice by keeping on looking down upon myself. but what am i to do? i mean. i really cant stop myself from being sad and depressed with everything that has been happening.

i know that i am fighting for many things in my life. and i know that my life is not as comfortable and well off compared to nicole or charlene or daphne or some rich guy or girl. i wasnt born easy or something. but in a sense, stable.

all i remember is that as i entered secondary school life, all i have been doing is comparing myself to others and getting inferior. i mean. all i do is compare myself to like the whole world. like, that guy has such a nice hairstyle, that girl has such white teeth, that person is so matured.. blah blah. and for once i realize that i havent been feeling confident this while.

i know that now with my sister around, i have to yet transition with the arrival of another member into the family. she has caused so much change into the family i am not surprised that the whole household is on tenterhooks currently. but oh wells.

asides from that i am fighting with the pressures of school and also with home. i mean, i have tonnes of pure grography homework and triple sciences and a maths and so on and so forth and the pressure of proving my worth still exists. my parents expect me to do my best and seemingly, dont know that. one second they can be telling me about how i should do my best, the next they are telling me that i am insensitive cause i ignore them when actually i am doing my bloody work. i am trying to study damnit.

then pressures from friends or simply speaking, peer pressure. okae. i know that seemingly i want to be accepted in school and be with a group of friends who would wait for me before going to the canteen together. then we could share the latest topic of interest and share tears and joys and laughter together. but sadly that never happens. i try to form a group and it all falls into pieces. i have dreams where i am accepted in school but i dont dwell on it more than five seconds as i know that it is wishful thinking and i dont want it to cause me to crumble if it doesnt happen.

third, i overheard that my parents are talking about a divorce. thus it is my job now to be trying to repair the shards of the broken family.

seriously. no one truly knows my pain. i shall sleep and hope that all this is a dream.