107; hate myself
Friday, May 6, 2005

i am so pissed with myself and with kag. today, we were like going home together cause we met each other along the way. and somehow she started criticising me about me choosing to be inferior.

i seriously felt like screaming. it is not my choice that i am born with inferiority complex. damn you kag. of all people, it is you who should have said that. you know that i want to be confident of myself damn it. you know that i yearn to feel belong damn it. but after all our years of friendships, it seems like you havent knew all this now did you?

seriously, i dont know what to say about your chauvinistic behaviour ever since you went steady with junxiang. come on. if you think that i choose to feel lowly of myself, you can jolly well fuck off. all this while, i have been trying to be confident of myself. trying to earn confidence so that i can go to the gym with friends. but you never give a bullshit about all that now do you?

you total slut. i realize that now, it seems true that your attitude sucks and i dont care about you at all know. seriously, i didnt know that you would do this. or say what you said. at the moment, only madeline understands me the most, and i am happy that she can understand things from my perspective and not jump to bloody conclusions like you, you asshole.

just fuck off, kag. you totally sucks.

with that said and done. i better clear some goddamn things. fine. i may have been suffering from inferiority complex, but even so, that doesnt mean that i chose to be inferior. which asshole on this earth wants to be inferior? all of us wants to be confident.

madeline was the only one who understood that i was literally breaking down with my family problem. she was the one who stood by me when i was crying my ass of when i was feeling inferior to 09 and blurboix. no one else truly understood or bothered to understand except a small handfull.

no one truly understands how it feels to be inferior to some people over and over again. and while i am at this, let me highlight something to you, yuxue. you can go ahead and compliment how muscular blurboix is and how athletic 09 is but stop comparing me to them. it is bad enough that i am inferior and comparing myself to others and there you are adding salt to the wound by making me feel even more lowly.

really yuxue, after all you said about understanding my position, there you are, talking about how fit blurboix is while i am so weak and so on and so forth.

fine. i am aware of that. but stop making me feel more worse than i have to be damn it. i now realize that while your mouth has been saying that you understand, underneath that act, you totally dont. cause if you do, you wouldnt have talked about them in such a way and make me feel bad now, would you?

totally chauvinistic and embarrassing. i didnt know that you would stoop this low. fine. i may have been laughing along when you said all that. but i laughed cause i certainly didnt want to show my upset emotions now would i?

end it here. i am tired of all this crap.