117; reflectory thoughts
Friday, June 3, 2005

thought that it would be mandatory for me to be doing some reflection on myself. maybe perhaps because i think that it would be detrimental to my health if i dont do anything with all the pent up emotions that i am experiencing right now. i mean. there are a lot of things that i have been feeling up to now and seemingly this blog is where i get them all off my chest.

first off. somehow i feel that it is absolutely integral to be doing some revision. but i feel so lethargic at the moment, and whats more, there is chemistry pt equivalent to be doing and handed up tomorrow. it is a panic case. but sickeningly, we have to get it done.

seriously, i am not getting whats the whole point of having a holiday when all we are doing is just completing homework. while of that fact is of importance to the journey of our learning, i just dont understand why it must all lump up to the same datelines and get everyone so worked up.

whilst i may agree that it aint as bad as the pts that rgs is facing..

but even so, if teachers see the point of us needing a rest, why then do they always choose to give homework uncannily or rather ironically at the same datelines with accordance to other teachers? weird as it may seem, i have a sneaky suspicion that teachers are all in league with one another. pardon me if i am wrong.

like as of now, i am wondering whats the point of having a whole chemistry journal write up to complete on biomedical engineering when initially the whole thing was just part of our carreer guidance programme. seriously speaking. teachers have this remarkably gifted talent of turning something normal into a whole chance of giving an assessment towards something. and i doubt that i am wrong in those assumptions.

and ming just asked me whether i believe in inspiration and aspirations. well, i recall a time when i remembered that i took all this as mere shit. i mean, naive as i was back then, i just didnt believe in inspirations but instead had a principal of working out priorities. also, i simply thought that if you forced yourself hard enough, you could produce something. with or without inspirations.

but as time passes and i mature and my thinking changes. all that seem to be in a different light now, compared to last time. whilst last time all this was bullshit, i prefer to take things as they come. whilst my work tend to be more in depth and personal with inspirations, i realize that one can do similarly good work without inspirations even. it is just a matter of worked priority and one's determination.

and considering my unquavering determination, i should be able to make it with or without inspiration.

right now, i am feeling a little mixed up with myself. you could say that my thoughts are muddled. i am feeling a little out. cause it seems that all i have been doing is comparing myself to blurboix. and whenever people compliment him about anything, i just feel like sticking my head into the ground. and sadly (or rather happily), those compliments come very so often.

i dont know why. i mean. he is my god brother. but i keep on hurting myself by making myself lowly to him. and it seems bad to be doing so. i really feel like slapping myself for comparing to his capabilities in sports and so on and so forth. but even so, i just cant help myself from comparing to him cause i feel that he is was better.

and truthfully he is. it was shocking when i found out that so many people admire him (for the guys) and so many girls are bessotted with him. and when you tend to know all this, it just makes me feel like i dont qualify to know him or be friends with him for that matter. and sometimes this is how i feel with mrgenius 01. i am honoured and happy that we are friends. but when inferiority complex makes a showup within myself, all this happens.

and i know that i should throw these thoughts and emotions out. but i dont know how. sometimes i feel so damn low of myself. i dont know what to do. i am going deranged with these thoughts. but what to do? i cant help it if my inferiority makes a showup or a comeback. whenever i have these feelings, i feel alienated, and even more withdrawn, trying to hide from my friends. not knowing what to do.

people say that they understand. but you really cant and wont understand albeit temporarily unless you are in ones position and you arent. i know saying all this makes me seem like a low person even to a greater extent. but i take pride knowing that this is the truth that i am feeling. and i am reaching out to the two souls who i desperate cleave with my mind.

blurboix and mr genius. i know that this was frank. but you gotta know all this. i just cant keep on holding it in the back of my brain cause i know that i will go into deranged mode. i am scared. and i am sad.

i am jealous of everything that you two reign in. command in sports. being accepted and all. thats all that i have been yearning for all throughout. and now i dont know how to react. now that we know each other. now that we are presumably, brothers. i am torn with my assumptions and as well as my feelings. save me.

i just need communication and connection with you. but i dont know whether that could ever be forged. cause if it cant be formed, i am forever going to live in an abyss of confusion and despair..

alone and lost.