119; laughs
Saturday, June 4, 2005

well. no no.. dont be fooled by my title of this post. simply speaking, the turn of events are just making me feel tickled and thus i just thought upon simplicity of this title and chose it to be the term 'laughs'.

allow me to relate things that happened today.

around noon i was at the jurong complex gym with zihao. i totally overlooked the initial fact that it was like a weekend and the place was packed with people. seemingly, i was hellish uncomfortable but despite all that, i had to do SOMETHING. it is rather logical cause i cant be just standing there rotting like an idiot while everyone was sweating it out now can i?

so i did runs basically and quadricep curls. i was bearing in mind throughout of all the advice that ak gave me, that being that ignorance is bliss. but as i was doing exercises on the treadmill i began you know feeling inferior. and my eyes were filling up with tears.

and if it wasnt bad enough as it is, he didnt notice. i thought that maybe if only he could talk and do something with me and joke and crap around, at least that would have helped. at least, it wasnt so bad the last time i went with teresa and she was crapping around and both of us were laughing our heads off, it totally made me feel at ease. unlike today.

okie. i know that i am hoping for things that arent meant to be considering the fact that zihao is quiet and all and doesnt really talk much unless sta and kuong hing makes an appearance or something.. maybe thats why i couldnt bring myself to go to the gym last few times with jestyn and zihao. maybe thats the reason. cause i wouldnt feel fitted in.

seriously. i dont know what to make of myself. i dont know where is my position in this wide wide world except to try being there for friends, family and all. but despite all the compliments that i get that i am capable and all, i just dont feel that i play a role in the world. except to move along with the flow. and i know that this feeling is bad. and most probably would lead to my health and peoper mindset of life to deteriorate, but i really dont know how things are ever going to change..

whilst i know that there are friends whom love me for who i am, i just dont know where they are. my best friend may be my best friend, but he is in another school. and considering that fact, it is hard for him to be there for me whenever i require that help. i know that i am being chauvinistic and asking for perfection in wanting all of this but i really see no way around it. i know that things arent going to change because of a mere and pathetic fifteen year old like me, but even so, i cant help but ask for a miracle.

there is a lot of things that i know of. like my friends and my family. but with all thats happening, i wonder if a handful of those souls whom i thought were my family are just doing an act to bid their time. i am sad, lost, and dont know where the path that i am currently taking is going to lead. the light which i depended on, being those light of my life, seems to be extinguished. and i am walking this path of life in the dark. groping about like a lost one. hoping that my actions, thoughts, movement and emotions are leading me correctly.

my tears are evident. and heavy. so heavy that it sinks to the cove of gaia. where are those that i need when i need them. cant they hear me? cant they feel my angst? my pain? or are they blind? or it could be that i am veiling my feelings and my heart from the world. i dont know. it just doesnt seem right. cause i know that i am baring my heart right now, yet no one realizes that fact. fools.

i feel like a pin which doesnt know how to poke. or rather, a kettle that doesnt know how to boil. things seem pointless right now. and i feel like an extra decoy.

colours are beautiful. but even so, why are colours in my life seem so black and white? is it because my pain and anguish causes my sense to cease in relinquishing the beauty of colours? or maybe because everyone are such requisite liars that things are just a made up of a basis in lies.

right now i feel senseless. chained in the path of relentless thoughts is what i feel i am immersed in. but even so..

forget it. i am straying from everything that i want to say.

then, we soon left the gym. i had to leave early cause madeline called and told me to come over to junxiang's house. zihao left together with me. the parting was fairly awkward, but who cares? the both of us seem like strangers sometimes. and all my efforts in being prim and refined as to talk and engage in conversation all seem to be in the pits all the time.

so i took a cab and headed for junxiang's condo. i knew that i should be wary, considering the fact that serene gave me a scoop saying that it was a belated party for someone. and knowing that my birthday was just last week, it could have been for me. but put it this way. my senses totally gave up on me last minute, and i forgotten the fact that i should be apprehensive about the party.

i should have.

i entered the door of junxiang's unit to the spraying of confetti and some party poppers. i think i must have gaped in shock cause some of the confetti landed in my mouth and i began to sputter horriby. whats more, my cough hasnt held up yet, which made the itch ten times worse.

it was only when my gags were audible enough did they all stop their little entourage of party poppers and allowed me in. i spent like ten minutes poking my mouth removing all the wet and gunky confetti strips from my mouth with the undeterred aid from mike, jason and kaidi.

we had tonnes of fun. it seems like junxiang had this game bought from the us and it was way cool. the sound effects and graphics were way cool and attractive. madeline and i played and despite the fact that it was on the easiest level, both of us lost to the enemy troops, played by the game freaks, louis and sz. but since we arent game freaks, the loss was totally graceful if i might say so myself. oops. how refined.

it wasnt long before we were hungry. i was starving considering i had gym just now. so gina and i along with some others took out the food. everyone launched into a song as the cake was brought up. i was crying, maybe cause this was like the first party i ever had in my life. my parents never believed in parties, so yeahhs. i couldnt help but grabbing one huge chicken thigh and ate it, with tears streaing down my face with the chorus of happy birthday beat on my eardrums. everyone cheered.

it was way great. everyone was talking. i was talking to madeline about her latest accredit to some project. and junxiang was telling me how school was starting to get into his nerves. which was weird considering that he was always cool minded about school perils.

after that we had some games. hide and seek became war with everyone throwing something at others. and the objects favoured by all was food. i know that it was disrespectful, but it was super fun. after our game, we realized what mess we made and thus set about cleaning the house which was super huge, being a condo and all. madeline and i were cracking up about how we are house slaves like the harry potter's show about house elves.

such fun.

then we continued with video games like previously. madeline and i decided to let others play while we shouted strategies which were super stupid (ian said so, so mean right?) while cracking up at the same time. once, madeline forced kell, who was playing, to make tonnes of land units to engage in battle which cause an uproar as kell's resources ran out and he lost as he didnt have anything to fight the sea combat enemy units.

whoaa. i am really blabbing about everything. but oh wells. i want it to be deeply etched in my diary.

this has been a super long entry. shall end here. happy belated birthday to me!

- - -

whenever you feel lost and that i dont love you anymore.

just keep quiet, open up your heart, and listen to the rain..
can you hear it? can you?

can you hear my heart crying?