129; i'll give way
Friday, June 17, 2005

i am so sad that i dont know how to react, or how to feel for that matter.

like just a few moments ago, xx told me that she has met another guy and has let go of her ex and all. though i was happy for her and i still am, i cant help but letting my tears flow because of the fact that all this while, my secretive pining for her was just pointless and pathetic.

really, i should have known that it could never have formed. like the fact that my close friends supports of me and tells me to hold on, it seems so stupid now that i did hold on, when my guts told me that it would fail. and now reality has bitten deep into my flesh.

sighs. the torns of pain..

i mean. why did i hold on? why did i continue liking her? why did i continue having faith that she would realize my love? why did i stupidly think that she would realize that all those reams of poetry was because of her? oh why did i believe in such impossibility?

it's sad really. like right now, i dont know what to do with myself. whether to bang my head into some pillar or to just accept the whole thing and just smile for her. and be there for her. i realize that love is about making the other happy. and i feel selfish right now cause i am feeling sad that she's found the him and that the him isnt me. oh gosh. really. i shouldnt be this selfish.

i read somewhere that;

love is missing someone when apart, yet feeling warm inside because you're close at heart.

copyrighted by earthscope enterprises.

and also that;

while it takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, it takes a LIFETIME to forget someone.

copyrighted by earthscope enterprises.

with this quotes in mind, i just feel like breaking down. i mean. all the secretive feelings that i harboured are all pointless. she's now missing him and all. and wells.

sighs. how can i not feel hopeless? how can i not feel stupid? that all this stupid attempts by me arent accepted or even realized by her. after all those short memories i have had, i guess those are enough to sustain whatever feelings there is that i have for her left.

argh. i dont know what i am writing. i guess in a sense, i am blinded with what has happened. and that all my actions and words all seem contradictory. pardon me.

someone help. i really feel lost right now. it seems hateful and unfair that she could control me to such an extent. and that now, all those notes of faith and belief that i have pinned onto my heart are all torn, gone. faded away into nothingness.

it's time to let go.
the rain pours;
with embraces from heaven,
blinded by the pain.
by the sweet short memories
we shared..
my heart still cries.

god, now does that seem cryptic. but i guess those not meant to understand most probably wont.

to xx (if you ever realize who you are);

i want you to know that i believe that love is making the other happy. and now, that has been achieved. between you and him. you've matured, stood up and moved on. you arent any longer blinded by the memories of the past. i've admired you, and loved you. and now it's time for me to bid my goodbye.

i'll swear to always be here for you.

xoxo azri.