130; damn
Saturday, June 18, 2005

i mean really. i cant stand it how parents can be so conniving sometimes. and for heavens' sakes, please dont try to deny that fact. really sometimes, it's so darn freaking true.

nono, i aint pointing this at all parents, just a handful and my mother sadly falls into this category.

its sad actually, that i always try to make myself feel that you arent that low, that you care for me.. that you understand how i feel. but is it? time and again, all you do is just prove my opinions wrong. your actions are so hurtful and misguided, i wonder if you realize them at all, seemingly because you seem indifferent to it all.

you think i would trust you after all you did? tell me that in the face! your colleague may have told you to instill in me with the fact that parents are your best friends. oh yeah, right. come on, best friends are supposed to be there, help out and in turn help each other. not scold for no rhyme or reason, or do things that intentionally hurt others.

and you want me to be your best friend?

it aint a shock, that now i relate more to friends and not you. you made fun of me, humiliated me, criticised me and all. and when i lost my temper, you called me an ignorant and pathetic son. how would you feel if you were in my shoes? tell me that, cause i am tired of answering my own random musings.

i dont know how shallow you are. that you dont even realize that my results are dropping because of YOU, that i aint even given a chance to study at home. all you do is fuckingly boss me around with chores you used to do. damn it! and when i try stating all this out, you claim that i am being stubborn.

i admire you for how you are capable for turning the tables around so damn easily. but thats that.

really. give me a chance now cant you? are you really so superficial and selfish not to? are you that fickle minded as to not even be capable of listening to your own son's voice? is it so hard to listen without looking annoyed and yelling?

you dont know how many nights i cried now do you? you dont know how pained i feel now do you? when you think that my shouts of anger and pain are just to hurt you; have you ever tried looking deeper and asking yourself whats the reasons behind my actions?

NO, all you do is judge by your low presumptions and then ground me or put me in punishment by making me write thousand-word essays. whoaaa. like thats such a great help. i dont know why. you go for all those courses and dont know what else; which would have made me believed that at least you could allow me to open up. but sadly, thats not the case.

and after haiguang had talked to you and shocked you with the fact that tears are running behind closed doors, you still remain ever so stubborn and just refused to accept the fact.

when are you going to open up? when are you going to accept the fact that i am a fifteen year old now? when are you going to accept the fact that soon, i am going to have my own life. i am going to have my own social circle to bond with. i have to open my cocoon and fly on my own. i am soon going to step into the world and experience, work, love, friends.

although i swear not to leave my family, i cant keep on clinging to my family and not learn and matured with thinkings and the learning journeys of the outside world. you cant deny that i have to enter the world whether you like it or not. to learn about all those perspectives that only come with experience.

haiguang told you that i never before had this problems and you agreed. and he told both of us that transitions come hard. yet why are you making them harder. why are you forcing me to jump all the barriers so quickly to accept my sister. that only makes the reality about it all ten times more painful than it has to be. yet you dont realize, you dont bother to change.

he told both of us, that you and me got to understand that you love me as a son and that i have my own life from now. you also agreed to that fact. than why are you still tying me to the latch? why arent you letting me go and allowing me to socialise? why why why?

do you ever think that i never felt guilty? when i needed things, do you think that i never debated with myself what it would do to our financial capability? do you know that anderson actually accepted me, but because of our difficulty, i rejected their request to prevent further rip-offs in the family from occurring. you never thought about all this now did you! you thought that i was a selfish and stubborn asshole who thought of nothing but himself! thats what i am in your eyes right!

and now that yana is in this world, even more discords and quarrels are happening, and you cease to see that it is all due to miscommunication.

fuck it. i dont know what to do. you always seem to need some higher power than your OWN SON to allow you to realize something. and i doubt you are going to change because of anything i say to you.

like i once said. all i am to you is a stubborn decoy of a son. but i cant change how you see of me. i guess that all i can do right now is change myself.

you can go on criticising me. go ahead. what do i care? you are a parent shallow enough to do that. i know that i am imperfect and that there are certain elements to myself in which i cant change without help from others. i am sure you know this too, yet, all you do is just choose to turn a blind eye to it and just ignore the whole matter.

do you even realize how much it hurts?

anyone can ask me, how long can i keep on writing all the rantings i have about you. the answer is; forever. for i'll stop when she does.

ps; to my mom, i dont know whether you are ever going to read this. or whether i'll allow you to for that matter. but if you do, just know that it hurts me writing it as much as it would hurt you reading it.