137; soulsearching
Wednesday, June 22, 2005

i realized that when i am with my journal notebook, i tend to be narcissistic to give myself some confidence. and in a small way, it has helped. i guess. wells.

today i went to suntec with ak. simply because we initially thought that both of us had to go for the whole cip thing. and i thought it would be in the morning, so i pushed my visitation to my relatives to the afternoon. then it turned out to be at 3pm. and my parents dont allow me to miss it, so i went to suntec instead.

i had to get the bottle for margaret, cause somehow the previous one was damaged by my sister. really, my sister causes a lot of damage to things recently. thats why i keep my room closed to all most of the time. i recalled how i almost lost my worksheet to her tyrant motions of her hands.

such exaggeration. but oh wells.

i want to make it clear that i havent yet spoke my true mind. dont make assumptions; if i really wanted to say how i feel, that would have been ultimate.

just a warning to some insensitive souls who just dont understand how to leave others alone without trying to probe. at sensitive issues nonetheless. wells. i changed my blog skin. it seems to somehow reflect what i am feeling right now. a tumultuous chain of emotions and raging feelings.

i dont know. maybe its because of all the things that i have yet to cope with and accept. that i am not going to be in raffles programme and if i want to (which i do), i have to work super hard and enter rjc, and that is already like year 5 of six of the whole programme. then, maybe cause i dont have a best guy friend in shuqun. that zihao and jestyn arent going to change.

the list is like endless.

and really. i need to deal with this all on my own. i feel bad that i am always confiding in someone or another to help out. it aint as if others hasnt got problems. and problems are just something one must deal with everyday. i know i seem contradictory. in the sense that one moment i claim to need someone to help me, another i say that it is somewhat an independent responsibility. it really depends to what severeness is that problem if you ask me.

i am reaching my threshold. i still am believing that jestyn and zihao are going to be better soon. yet nothing on their part is showing that they are changing at all. zihao is still ignorant to my feelings and thoughts, while jestyn is ever so frank to my disputed feelings of my mind. it seems hurtful, that people you regard so close like a family are like giving you those thorns in the heart.

maybe, if they felt what its like, they'd understand.

people call me someone clairvoyant and empathic. someone capable of understanding another. even without words at time. but does anyone know the price i have to pay to be capable of doing so? my dark background. ok. before you jump to thinking of star wars or whatever bullshit, its my bringing up. i mean. family history. all those complexities are those minor things that bring such major change to students. and really. although understanding others and all is good to help; the pain that comes with it, is torment.

i'd know. i've gone through it.

sometimes i wonder that its better to be confident and happy then be clairvoyant and empathic. cause besides the fact that those two elements are psychological strengths, they bring forth inferiority, sadness and depression. which is what i am going through now.

feel lost actually. like when i recalled on 28 july 2004, when zihao became my bro, i thought my life would stop rumbling and shaking like some unpredictable tremors. that he could be that pillar that i could lean on when i needed to and grant me protection. but i guess i was wrong. not only was my trust and faith was hurt by his somewhat lack of tact and insensitivity at times.

i dont know. maybe i am expecting too much. after all, sufyan and malcom are alright only after sufyan lashed out his thoughts about mal. now they are as real brothers ever was. but somehow, my doesnt. regardless of how i pursue it. god. i really dont know. things are so fake right now. all my smiles and my actions. and it seems that everyone realizes that theres something wrong with me. that i am quieter and all.

with the exception of two people. who i regarded them closest to me. or something like that. yes.

zihao and jestyn.