138; such hiatus
Wednesday, June 22, 2005

no. dont ask me why i chose such a vague title. i dont even know whether my entry today has even anything to do with a hiatus in the first place.

grunts.

really. i am feeling uber pissed with something. yet i dont realize it. damn. i am tired of feeling this unwavering uncertainty all the time. why must it be me? why not someone else?

and hiatus? LAUGHS. whats with that? hiatus is defined as a break in a series or a sequence. maybe its my tormented emotions that are well, taking a very much weirded element of hiatus.

i am tired of so many things! that the fucking fact lies that i am forced to do my work all at night thanks to the ignorance and selfish behavior of my mother who takes up most of my time to look after my sister. god, she is such a first timer. other mothers can do housework and chores and look after the children while she requires someone else to look after my sister before she can get down to anything.

totally sickening if you ask me. right now, she is outside playing i dont know what with my sister, when she clearly can use the time to like be doing something constructive. and her behaviour is so freakingly irritating and tactless that now i dont even have the mood to be tackling anything. and school is opening in like several days.

i know if victoria choo knows that this is the extent of my slacking, i would have already received one lengthy sermon about being responsible and the importance of meeting deadlines. but come to think of it, i sort of deserve that kind of sermon. i am really feeling lost. maybe it is because of my post yesterday. that things arent going the way i want it to be, and my transitions in coping with those unwanted changes are somewhat in vain.

save me, right now it has only been like an hour since i entered my room to post this entry. and already i here the knocks on my door, of which i choose to ignore. it's sickening and hurting to me to be doing so. but really. i need that space in which i reflect and talk to myself.

sighhs. it seems hard nowadays to be myself. it's like, seemingly everything is very much just an act. and all i do seems fake. and not the truth. i dont know. i just want to have xx back and thats not going to happen. i want to be closer to 09 and bb and thats also not going to happen either. a lot of problems are arising. and all i am doing is to help with problems just in a bid to distract my mind.

right now, i recall how sufyan asked me how bb and me are. whether we are getting along fine. i just told him the truth. that things are stagnant. that i try to initiate conversation yet bb remains ignorant. it's obvious like how i sms-ed bb just now, to await reply till now. and it was like from last night?

and i dont believe his phone is confiscated. i never thought so.

i miss so many people. this holidays is driving me insane. forcing me to do homework in the wee hours of the morning and night. although my drive to get into rjc is like burning and alive, i just cant help feeling low right now. with feelings of inferiority, sadness. and so many others.

but still, i am believing in the element of hopefulness. at this point of time, i dont know whether the hopefulness is going to be for moot, but wells. i shall just believe in it. and hope that it lasts and that my wishes suddenly become reality.

again my mind tells me that i am being contradictive again. like, the fact remains that i always tend to immerse myself in melacholy when it's no form of therapy, yet now i am thinking that there's a chance that my wishes would turn into reality.

reality bites. who denies that?

so i shall just take things like how i perceive and hope tomorrow would shine.