139; hopeless
Thursday, June 23, 2005

sighs. my posts arent at all on a light note these past few days right? wells. it hurts actually. all that has been happening just doesnt help. and my feelings are going ultimate.

and thats bad.

i mean like, bb is really seriously grating on my nerves. i dont understand why the simplicity of answering a short sms is so damn hard. oh ya. bb's too busy. my god. arent we all busy? what makes him a rank higher than others in terms of business? but what the heck. i aint in any position to be judging so i shall try shutting up.

but damn it, i cant. my god, i hope bb realizes how worried sick i was. i thought that bb was still suffering from some periodic sicknesses that goes on and off and i was like in desperate attempts trying my best to contact bb and ask the condition that bb's in. but no, all that bb did was to ignore my sms for two straight days, and now i am sick.

how thoughtful of bb.

and now, since all that's been ranted out and everything is very much ok, it brings me to another sad topic; my mother.

goshh, i really dont know how ever my mother and i are ever going to see eye to eye. it seems uber stupid really that she doesnt seem to think that i have a life on my own. that i have social life out in the world. that i have to break out of my coccoon and like experience world and no longer bounded by the confines of the house. it's stupid, how when i think of going home, i feel dreaded, cause everything would be that she would take my time up by asking me to look after my sister and not bother about my responsibilities.

according to her, responsibilities are home chores, which i dont have, thus i have no responsibilities. what bullshit. what utter bullshit. damn it. she thinks that i have no homework. she thinks that tests are confined to the end of terms. thus she only allows me to have a break from all these facades like when exams are approaching.

ok. IS SHE TELLING ME THAT I HAVE TO CRAM LAST MINUTE FOR SEVEN SUBJECTS STRAIGHT?! CAUSE IF SO, I WONT AGREE TO IT!

this is secondary school for crying out loud. this is no longer primary school where you can cram everything last minute and like, do well still. this is secondary school, where we must study everyday. and like, be consistent and all. only then is success guaranteed. how does she expect me to do well, when previously, things were all according to plan, and i could plan things and everything is seamless. but now, its not.

i know that parents, especially mothers, are worriers. but to when are they going to continue worrying? whats the point of worrying when it doesnt change anything present? or rather, make things worse even.

they say all those things about mothers. that they can listen to their children's hearts; yet why cant she hear mine?! why is she so blinded by everything around her that she cant see that behind my smiles and laughter is full of pent-up misery? why cant she see that?

because if she did see that, they i am sure all this rifts in communications and arguments would have ceased by now. sad. it's amazing how my mother can just turn a blind eye sometimes. or rather, make a false front to just cover up the whole thing. it's sad and at the same time, i cant help but feeling lost.

maybe it's also because my problems with bb are making it worse. but wells. i just have got to cope with it and work something out. like right now, my sleeping pattern has severely altered and all my mother has to say for it is that i am playing too many internet games. ultimate bullshit. go presume all you want. i am tired of making you see sense. i shall just wait for you to see sense.

damn.

i am feeling lost right now. and i need that shoulder to lean on now. my tears are flowing. yet no one sees. and no one cares.