147; hurt
Wednesday, June 29, 2005

this entry is going to be pure bitch. so to regard the uninitiated, please do not read any further if you are sensitive to vulgar content. sufficient warning provided.

my anger has not subsided but has been augmented. no guess who. its obvious its balls. and yes. although cassandra and ak tells me that its super damn obvious, i dont really care. that asshole isnt going to even bother reading my feelings so what difference is it going to make? NONE. NIL. NADA.

right now, i feel even more burdened by the whole epic. i mean, coincidences are occurring so often, i feel like crying. it feels like walking with this super huge load on your heart, pulling and tugging you down. but what the hell, what difference does it makes?

really, you damn balls. you claimed that you said otherwise right when i confronted you yesterday night? tried to be indifferent. damn you. open your fucking chat logs folder and check for your bloody self. its sickening when i have coped with your fucking lies and behavioural and attitude and now i have to quarrel with you over a fucking thing like this.

enough of your fucking bullshit. all i need to know is that you damn hell supported your conscience of trying to make me change into someone else. whatever. its hell whenever i hear and recall of that. you really think i have lots of imperfections. fuck you. what right have you to judge me? even if i am this unworthy person of your calibre, what bloody right do you have?

if you think you have some rights, you have some bloody guts i tell you. cause no one has the right to judge. though we do sometimes. and yes, i am pissed off by it. damn you, whatever reasons you have, doesnt mean you can expect me to be someone else and stereotype malcom or your gang whatsoever.

you have grown so leechy to your gang that all your company has to be the same right? no offense meant to sta. just to balls. if so, then fine. fuck off then. dont waste your fucking time with me. or anyone else who arent of your criteria, while i'm at that.

you turned my bloody life upside down. horrendously upside down. right now, i aint doing anything. i am just slacking my ass off. not bothering doing anything. and yes, you surely love me losing myself right? sure, then go ahead. go ahead and cause more trauma on my part. people low like you surely love thriving on others pain.

you think that i am a robot is it? you damn fucker. whenever i hurt you with my rash words last time, it's always me apologizing like some desperado leech. now? fuck you man. your words arent only short. they're insincere damn you.

was there anything that you wanted to hurl back at me yesterday when i lashed superly at you? surely no. you know that you're wrong. you know thats what you have been fuckingly been doing. and yet, you need me to tell you face to face like some bitch before you realize anything.

you should kiss sufyan's feet sometime. he was the nice soul who told me to believe in you damn you! he was the one who made me put aside your mistake. HE WAS THE ONE WHO MADE ME HAVE FAITH IN YOU! HE WAS THE ONE WHO STOOD BY ME, ASSURING THAT YOU CARED FOR ME. he's wrong now. i realize. but all that faith and belief has also gone. and you've got YOURSELF to thank.

yoke ting's another. cass also. they made me believe that those lies you said were for a reason. and that those things you did werent really meant badly. again, although they are wrong, they were those barriers that stopped my anger from erupting like a volcano let loose. and thank your fucking stars again. if not, i would have slit your throat by then.

samantha was the one who calmed my douubts. she told me how you arent like that. that you have a reason and all. and that i should continue believing in you. and asking you your actions. but fuck you man, all those neutrality actions on my part went past your notice like some ant. thats how oblivious to fucking facts.

another person: madeline. although she was the person who dont even know you, she made me hold on and learn the roots of your actions, AGAIN claiming that you have reasons.

but what are the reasons. what reasons have you to ill-treat me? to look down on me. to expect me to be someone else?

what reasoning have you?

none. and even if you tried to cook up some fucking things, i wouldnt accept. everyone who knows of this problem are just telling me that you arent like that. you arent? really. thats interesting.

really, i have been fuckingly bottling up everything. thanks to those samaritans who were there for me and believing in that you werent such a fuckingly low person.

whatever.

and yes, i realize how i have been blinded by such stupidity. just basing everything on your innocent looks. and yes, fuck you again for all those concern in understanding me. when actually you never did. and that you never tried. you keep on telling me that we are brothers forever. that we shall always be there for each other. how that you shall be the leaning shoulder. where is it huh? all those times i cried, did you ever came to ask me? it was only ak, sufyan and others. never you.

its your ego or something aint it? it seems like when we are sms-ing. you can talk about anything. but in reality, what do you ever do? NOTHING. FUCK YOU. you think that i am such a sarcastic idiot. such a conniving asshole. and yes. i naturally can hurl everything back at you with fuckingly greater force. and dont try me. you wouldnt want it i tell you.

i dont want to be involved in anything to do with you. it seems that my trust and faith and believe for you is gone. not diminished. its gone. totally. poof. use your innocent face and melt my heart again and again. but no matter what, liquid will eventually harden when it has to. and my heart shall do so too.

last time, recall balls. that i was at orchard with madeline and i was sms-ing you about that guy with the ultra small underwear? you told me not to bring up the past because you dont want me to bring back bad memories.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOUR FUCKING CONNIVINGS HAVE MADE ME BRING UP THE FUCKING PAST.

and damn you. if i search in my archives, i cant count all the damn times that you apologized about something pointless and stupid. thats how insensitive you have been till now. and how nice i was to push those incidences aside and believing in you again. till now. i have exploded. and now you understand what i really feel.

ooops. i forgot. YOU DONT CARE NOW DO YOU? YOU DONT BOTHER ONE RIGHT? SUREEEE. FUCK OFF FROM MY HEART, FROM MY HEAD.

it pains me in the heart how the whole world can give such fate where i have to see you. when you're standing in amaths. when you walk past when i am talking to ronnie. when i have to talk to yanyi and prema and you're just beside them.

you dont know how it hurts.

when in pe last time, you said you understand how it feels when i tell you about not doing well in sports. but do you really know the feeling? cause if you did, YOU'D STOP TALKING ABOUT SPORTS AND SMIRKING WHEN YOU DID FUCKINGLY WELL FOR NAPFA. thats how insensitive you are.

MAN. i shall stop here. i dont want to be a further bitch. steam eventually cools and condenses into steam. only that i dont know when my steam is going to cool.