158; emptiness
Friday, July 15, 2005

really, i'll leave it to you to decide now strawberry. can i just call u straw instead? i'm so bored to even write strawberry after all the shit that has been happening. and no, i am not angry. really, i am not. just angry with myself. i cant blame myself for being angry, since i cant help it.

ok. i am talking shit here. i dont know what i am writing. since i aint sure what i am feeling. just very empty, very devoid of emotions. i dont know. maybe its the whole straw epic. i really dont want to talk about it. but if i dont, i'll just explode. and there's no other avenue to write it but here.

i want you to tell me straw, who you really are. i am getting irate really. that you are somehow interchanging your attitude and personalities. and i dont know who you are actually. its sickening. i am, or rather, was, over the moon and overjoyed when dearest kind jestyn talked to you about the whole quarrel we had. and yes, you did change.

for like a few days? i'm getting sick of all this. when can you come to school smiling and being someone whom i've believed you've been and not someone being multi-faceted? why must i spend like fifteen minutes every moment we talk just to do whether you are talking of the trust or not? its getting on my nerves guessing.

you know that i hate fucking guessing games. i need you to tell me when are you going to change and remain that good way? i'm sick of broken promises. i'm sick of your false hopes and claims. i have feelings. i am a homosapien. a weak one with emotional emotions. i am not an artificial intelligence being.

i know that you love blaming me for everything that has happened. that i dont bother talking to you. that i dont mix with you. that i am very ego. that i am this and that. so everything is all my fault. never yours, always mine. its degrading really, how you can slander everything to me. then, fine. i shall accept all this bullshit and just fuck off then.

you say that i dont mix with you. how am i to? when you are always with yuxue and stick to him like some permanent glue? how am i to mix with both of you, when you talk in chinese and dont even realize my presence? am i too skinny and transparent or translucent to the point that you cant see me? maybe thats it. i am too skinny.

or do you expect me to be like those grand archdukes, who just enters sta group, separate you guys and just talk to you as though its so free and easy. you claim that i should do that right? then let me see whether you have the bloody guts to do the same when i'm with my group of friends.

cause you dont.

you think that your words have the proper realizations to all problems. you claim that you are trying to help. you think you know me. you dont. you say you can tell whether i am being sarcastic or sincere, yet you claim that i am sarcastic when i am sincere, and say that i am sincere when i am sarcastic. can i just kick your ass?

when i have problems, i have to give kudos to you, cause your advice just makes me feel worse. thanks a lot yeahhs. and i wonder how come your advice suddenly becomes suckish when you're with me, and it becomes as good as a counsellor's when you are with sufyan or others.

poof, i give up. i'll be by myself alright. jayz. i feel as though i'm only close to jestyn right now. cause he really is like, there for me la. you? stupid claims, false words, repetitive lies.. whoaa. shall stop there at the moment from being a total bitch.

whatever it is. you're a pain really straw. i'm tired of all this two faceted. this guessing. this hoping. this disappointment. i took my friends more like my family then just normal friends. since i never had my family around me for thirteen years. and now, you really make me realize that i got to let you go. since you are never ever going to change. and oh. on my profile page of this webby under the term 'hurt' just ignore your name there straw.

it doesnt exists under brothers anymore. i'm tired of believing that you are. i'm tired of everything. i'll give. its enough. scold me all you want. i have more reasons to be sad and disappointed that you do. so turn around. and leave my life.

PS. THAT FUCKING MISTAKE OF MINE IN PUTTING YOUR PIC IN MY PHONE WAS BECAUSE I KNEW I COULD NEVER TURN TO YOU OR LEAN ON YOU IN REALITY AS MY BROTHER. TO LOSE MY FACE AND TO SAVE YOURS, I SHALL ADMIT, THAT I HAVE BEEN LEANING ON MY PHONE, TO JUST IMAGINE HAVING THE STUPID SUPPORT OF A PERSON LIKE YOU! WHO TURNED OUT TO BE A LOW IDIOT.