165; whirl of decadence
Thursday, July 28, 2005

since its been ages since i last blogged, i shall try blogging whatever has happened. today wasnt that much of a light note. it has been the worst day. so i guess, i might seem or sound acerbic and i apologize. but asides from that. things should go somewhat fine.

ok, on july 25, monday.

in the morning, zihao and i went to school together. and he gave me a little something. a hug. since he knew that i was feeling down and all. thanks bro. it helped alleviate my pain, to a certain extent.

me, jestyn and zihao went to watch fantastic four at jurong entertainment center after school. it rocked shit cause it was a very good plot. despite the fact that i found the fighting part incredibly stupid and egoistic.

on the way to jec, rayson walked with us, and on the walk there, we saw zihao's mom in bus service 334. it was so stupid. cause zihao went into a state of panic and suddenly ran off like some wild chicken let loose and we were all trying to catch up. i shouldnt have bothered chasing them.

cause it only sparked off bouts of inferiority.

- - -

today, worst day i ever recalled in the whole of sec three life. seriously speaking. i didnt think that something so severe would occur.

yesterday, i cried and ran out of class during emaths. and zihao ran after me, along with yanyi. i didnt think that he would actually like run after me since i knew how goodness personified he is. but thats what he did. yanyi left shortly after. which irritated me to some extent since i was feeling hell awkward.

zihao demanded to know what happened. but i didnt want to say. i mean, how could i ever say. since the problem lies with how i stupid want things to change to something that i know wouldnt happen. that i wanted him to change. that i wanted the world to change.

et cetra.

somehow, i just couldnt bring myself to say anything. also, he didnt make me feel that i could confide in him. it's sad really. how sufyan and mainisah were talking today about how i should build a good bond. but how am i to? daphne also said the same thing, come to think of it. but how to, since we are sitting at different points, in different cliques.

allow me to quote the loud daphne;
"why dont both of you just go starbucks today and have a coffee and just talk things out. dont be so scared of facing reality.."

and she was going on and on about so many things. it's seriously very oomph. i was there feeling as though she just stabbed me with some knives or something. and it was during english today.

so when zihao said that he wanted to know, i thought that it'd be best if i wrote a letter.

the effects of the letter. to ghastly to discuss.

- - -

the sweet melancholy of life as i remember it. the world, that spins and tells me it's secrets.

poetic aint it? just a short excerpt from a poem that i once written. i find it so sweet. i see that somehow language, literature is somewhat so me. its who i am. where my feelings and emotions are so reflected and immersed in those few lines of innermost thoughts and feelings.

again, i find comfort in the intricate weaves of language. mysterious thing, language. powerful and when meddled with, dangerous. it can hurt when used against the terms, and can sweet talk. gosh, its so dangerous that the man's eye fails to see beyond just the means of communication.

i dont know why, but i am feeling somewhat uplifted by the whole epic that occurred just now. to do with strawberry la. but it's somehow uplifting my moods and my thoughts. i feel more positive in a sense. no longer clogged up or thereforth. its more clear. things are more defined now.

i am clear of things that i got to do now. despite the fact that somehow things go downhill, i cannot quit. i musnt. i cant. i couldnt. i must not.