166; tired
Saturday, July 30, 2005

it's sad seriously. how you can just be telling me that you are fine and alright. but actually you arent. you're just denying since you probably want me to think that you took that poem on a light note. which you clearly didnt.

i shouldnt have even bothered opening up to you. you're idiotic seriously. you claim to want to know everything, when actually you aren't prepared for it.

did you know how much it hurt to know that you cried? i couldnt imagine that somehow just because of the truth, you just broke down. it's saddening when i knew that initially, i should've just kept it close to my heart and suffering than letting you know and facing these consequences.

yes, you claim that you're fine. that things are ok. that everything is back to normal. but is it really? so how come, you are giving that attitude stare at me whenever we cross paths. why is it that somehow, you just show your freaking demeanour and sit with others when a seat beside me could've been occupied.

it's obvious and clear that you arent taking this positively. that you took it as an insult to your ego, which i am personally sure is the reason behind you mocking me time and again. but seriously, it's ok.

i shouldnt have bothered. i shouldnt have even thought of you as my brother. i shouldnt have considered putting in effort to make things better. now its all pointless. you say that you're not angry but your attitude is totally pissing me off. you say that things are at rest when you bring them up again.

what the fuck.

can you really tell me what is going on here? its getting nasty in my head that i dont know whether to laugh or cry when i see you or hear you laugh, et cetra. i miss all the sweet memories that we had. the old days rather. and i want to go back to them. only if you'd tell me whether we can or can't. cause i can't make the decision.

what's with all this ego that you've been showing huh? all the ignorance. and talking big. these things are not what you are. you weren't like this. so since you arent and never were like this, why are you doing it then? to prove yourself? but at what cost?

please strawberry. hate me all you want. just dont be someone you're not. cause that only puts stress on others, not only me. whats more, since i am no longer your friend or whatever, i cant talk to you and make you realize this. hopefully some others will and tell you to stop before it's too late.

had amaths remedial today. suckish. mrs wong was probably experiencing a mood swing as she was yelling at the top of her voice at our poor participation. she began yelling even louder when all the latecomers piled up at the front door of the classroom.

amaths test result was overall shit. it's bad lah. and she was there screaming about how we purposely choose to not listen. how we are purportedly doing something else during the course of her lessons. really? i dont recall attempting my physics or chem homework in her lessons for fear of her sermons and detention.

except that i wrote poems, tonnes of them, in her lessons.

oops, she is SOOO not supposed to know that. as of now, i am feeling very scared of losing strawberry. but then again, i probably have totally lost him. thanks to my mouth and words. i was hoping that if he was like, forgiving and funnier and all like last time, we could go starbucks or coffee bean today.

but sighs, hope really tumble down the stairs sometimes.

i'm tired of this whole cold war. why cant we just be like, friends again? why cant we be brothers again? why cant we walk to school again?

it's all cause of me. i cause this epidemia and now i am suffering. the weakness of people with empathy and inferiority..

i just hope that things will change. and hopefully they do change. cause i miss the old days. i miss the old ways. i miss the old memories. i miss the laughter, the joys, the sighs, everything. i miss the whole friendship ok?

time heals all wounds. i just need to know how long time's going to take.

i miss you strawberry.