169; i need you
Sunday, August 7, 2005

sighs. seriously. i dont want to be labelled a promiscuous talker or someone who eats back their words after several days. but since it's been so trying, i just got to talk about it here.

sure, i might have told you strawberry that i just want you to have your social life and i'll have mine. i was angry when you said you sucked, but you didnt. cause if you did suck, i wouldnt have regarded you as my best friend or family in that sense. i did everything just to change things for the better.

but i guess a weak homosapien like me surely cant depend by how things are changing. yes, i might have said what i did, but at what costs? it seems more painful now that things have drifted apart so far off. i dont know how to talk to you anymore. it's hard since i promised all those things..

and i dont know whether if i were to talk to you again, would that place a dent on my promises?

initially i just hoped that the morning walks to school would serve as that communication, since other times, we are so far. but what could i do now? even morning walks are getting rarer and rarer. and i am just holding back that worried feeling that they might just end.

come on, dont deny things. sec four is going to come. o levels are going to come. then most probably, we'll all be separated into different schools. where i'll start worrying about you again. cause i know how heavily reliant are you to your own clique. that most probably, those transitions are going to be hard for you to dealt with.

i dont know strawberry.. maybe you just take me as this huge burden. a huge one where you're just coping with, till the chance comes to throw it into the bin. which would be after the o levels.

i guess that since i told you that you've had the whole freedom in the palm of your hand, you're just going to accept that and not look beyond huh? just let me tell you one thing; despite the fact that i did say that i wanted you to mix with your own social circle, DOESNT mean that i totally dont need you.

you're my family and best friend for a reason damn it. dont tell me that you totally dont communicate with your family and best friend? well, maybe that's the case for you and i am letting feminine emotions get to me again. and maybe that best friend of yours is totally someone else. that should be the case.

but i know that what you're doing now is what makes you happy. so i'll let you be. but i know that i got to be strong. since it'll be painful just seeing you prioritize others more than me all the time. but i just got to accept it. and learn to let it go.

the gentle psalms of the wind,
hidden is the masquerade of his pain,
silent is his tears at dawn,
under the sheaths of the cock's crows.

standing near the shorelines,
gazing at the rising sun near horizon,
thoughts plummet ravaged heart,
at losing that person he treasured.

regarding that person as a best friend,
it turned out, he wasnt a priority,
but at least he knew that person was happy,
doing things he wanted to do.

how he wished to have a best friend,
how he wished to have the comfort of one,
how he wished that he'd have that leaning shoulder,
how he wished that things'd be better.

thought the answers lied with that person,
but oh how wrong he was,
that person couldnt be bothered,
couldnt be cared.

all that person wanted,
was his own comfort,
nothing to other people's accord,
since that was something he couldnt afford.