170; puzzlement
Sunday, August 7, 2005

right now, i dont know what i am doing. what i am thinking. everything feels so different. everything seems so sad.

the poems i write, the scenes i see, the sounds i hear. everything serenading my senses are all a sad melancholy. i've been incessantly writing sad verses and lyrics of poems and songs all the time, making my eyes well up with tears. tears that eventually cascade down my cheeks.

but for what? seriously. i dont know. like right now, all i am doing is just procrastinating with my physics homework and instead thinking of the reason as to why i am feeling and letting myself feel this way. it's getting seriously annoying that i am feeling this weird way.

i need a hug damn it. i need a shoulder to lean on damn it. and no matter how down i feel, people just see the fake side of me prevading, ceasing to realize that sad part that i keep hidden down.

DAMN IT. I FEEL SO FUCKINGLY WEAK. physically. emotionally. mentally. it's so tiring to think that i am reaching my threshold of tears any minute. and i am so desperately cleaving to something where i can just distract my pain be it a few minutes just to ensure that they dont fall down my cheeks.

i know that i shouldnt procrastinate. that i should be doing my work. i should be studying for the upcoming amaths test. but i just cant. i feel so tired after all the tears. that i slept from 5pm yesterday to one pm today. it's in those dreams where i wade in, finding that temporary happiness.

sighs.

i know that i am expecting too much. simply cause i know that my friends too have their problems. their pain and they deserve their happiness. and i am selfish for wanting so much things and that i dont realize what they're going through, hoping for them to come and comfort me.

i should have just kept problems to myself. i feel so damn guilty now that i have tirelessly worked on ak and the others, wanting their console and help. when i knew that they have their own bouts of problems affecting them. i shall stop doing so and try dealing with the problems myself.

oh and with entry 169, please ignore it. i dont know what speedy gonzales of my nervous system possessed me to write such an angsty post. but seriously. that was what i felt. it's hard explaining. that someone emotionally empathic like me could sense those feelings.

i really miss everyone. i miss the old times in sec two. where xinmin, ak, vic, jestyn, zihao and me were sitting together. and it was so fun. the laughter. and then it was in that sitting position that ak and vic became my god sisters and zihao and jestyn became my god brothers.

right now i am deeply saddened. by how victoria has changed. i dont know. people dont see that they've changed. maybe i've changed too. like her. but it's just so damn hard to accept. she's changed so much that now, i barely recognize her anymore. she's no longer that socializable vic anymore.

time's a friend and a foe. both helping wounds to heal and changing things to make the past so memorable and saddening.

ak and xinmin's still the same. and always, there's the laughter and all. jestyn too. but zihao..

sighs. i dont want to elaborate. but i'll just state this.

even though i did say that now, we could just socialize with our own social groups doesnt mean that i could totally let everything go. he's my brother for a reason damn it. cause he and jestyn both made me feel like family. along with ak and sam and teresa and all.

but like i said. time changes things to make the memories of the past memorable and loved.

i dont know whether i'll ever be able to accept now that there's totally nothing between me and strawberry. the morning walks are getting rarer and rarer. words are growing lesser and lesser. communication and understanding are getting thinner and thinner. i'm just biting back this gnawing feeling that things will just go poof.

i'm just holding on seriously. i dont know whether i should countdown to o levels so that i can let all these worries go, along with the fact that zihao and vickie has changed. or should i just continuing treasuring what fragment's left of that sec two family that the six of us had. but i know either way.. the pain still will stab my heart whenever i see them in class.

amaths make up lessons are now getting to be an emotional pain. since sufyan will sit near to me. and malcom'll sit with him. then chengzhia and kelvin will follow suit. then zihao come and sit close to them, which is in turn, close to me. and i'll feel that sadness coming in again. simply cause he's there barely a feet away. and he doesnt speak a word to me.

i'm just so weak. to be so dependent. so reliant. on others. and not independent on myself. i am just hoping that my strength will be there till sec four. till we enter higher institutions. so that, we'll all go into jc or poly and start all over again. no, i dont mean that i wont miss my friends. i will.

definitely i will miss my friends. i'm just saying that at least i can let go of painful memories. sad memories. and start over and move on.

you said that you'd be there for me,
you said you'd give me that leaning shoulder,
where is it then?

why is that i feel you're drifting away,
why is that that when i need you most,
you're gone, distant, far away.

i never said i needed you all the time,
just during those trying moments,
where i felt as though my world has crumbled.

i thought that i could lean on you,
but you were gone,
diminished.

like a puff of smoke drifting into atmosphere,
and i'm alone, all alone,
with only the whispering wind,
serenading my torn senses.