174; tralala
Monday, August 8, 2005

right now, i'm rather disappointed that there's no takers to go with me for a leisure trip to sentosa. i dont know. i just miss the breeze. the calm swishing of psalms of wind. the silence. the tranquility. the tender gentleness of nature. missed all those.

also since my parents forbade me to go to the beach since young as they said that the beach has negative influence. to them, everywhere too has negativity. nothing ever suits them. but oh wells. right now, i am wondering whether chacha wants to go to the beach with me.

but i cant deny that it's going to be weird that there's only two people and that all i want to do is sit down and just gaze into the horizon. oh wells, considering the fact that chacha is so active in sports, i doubt that he'd agree. so i guess my wish is moot.

i guess i got to find another place which is serene, full of tranquility and a place where i can go alone. botanical gardens? laughs. that's so far away.

i dont know what is happening seriously. i'm just finding things to do so that i can allow my mind to get distracted. like right now i am blogging, after that i shall do some work and study and prep for my upcoming amaths test. i guess that in a sense, all this workload that i am facing is good to help me both distract my mind and in the same time, do something constructive.

i'm facing my mobile now. and i aint sure whether i should flip it open and send an sms to a person i care. to another person i love. to another i treasure. to another that i miss. there's so many insecurities that i face.

never mind. i shant dwell on that.

sighs. right now, i am feeling effingly pissed off with my mother. it seems that somehow, she thinks that she's being a very good mediator. ya. a mediator who only makes things worse. she stirred in the cockpit between my father and me and right now, she wants me to apologize to my father for her own stirups.

freak.

oh wells. right now i shall not dwell on that. never mind. i shall find out what i really love to do, and i shall commit to it. it must be something physical. asides from me loving literature and poetry, i must ensure that i do something that is on the physical side. wahahhas.

not sure whether i can do it, but i shall try. i dont know. the images of zihao and jestyn still haunt me till this moment, but somehow, i am just going to try my best to make sure that my inferiority towards them is controlled. right now, all those chat logs that are in my documents folder are beckoning.

it hurts seeing the past. all those memories that i so desperately wish to let go, yet my mind, heart and soul refuses to which those memories they so horrendously cleave upon. there's only one avenue which i know can let those things go. that is to confront my fears. i dont know seriously why am i jabbering this way.

just a few moments ago i feel so pathetic, now i am so self-motivated. what's next?

i feel like shit seriously. things are so damn bad. maybe it's not. but my emotions are making it seem that way. like right now, i wonder how come sam and i have our own cg but hers is more united and mine is so broken. oh wells. i just love the saying;

things run counter to one's wish.

i shall try picking myself up tonight. i shall see whether chacha comes online like how i sms-ed. and most probably i'll get that love from chacha. wheet. i sound so damn mushy lah. oh wells. i'm so mentally drained. so please excuse me.

i really hope that i get myself back to the world soon.