181; cascading tears
Saturday, August 27, 2005

these days, i woke up with my cheeks wet. disappointed. alone and lost. not knowing what to do. yes, i can safely say that i initially thought that things have made a better turn, but that has been the most inaccurate presumption that i have theorised with actually.

allow me to use anonymity. and call this person pinkie.

weirded by my stupid selection of an anonymous name? but oh wells. pinkie. it was actually something that i thought have improved for the better. and i thought that it would last. but it turns out i am wrong.

pinkie and some others werent just my friends in school. they were what i thought of as a family, since i only feel that i have a real family only physically and not emotionally or mentally.

i always have confided in pinkie and the rest. treasured all those moments that we shared, be it short and few. but they were all memorable and sweet. and i thought that pinkie meant it when pinkie said that we would be best friends and so on and so forth forever.

i mean, those kind of words would mean a lot to me. i've never felt very happy or belonged until i had these kind of god relations like god brother, god sister, et cetra. i thought that my life was peaking. reaching a point where i could finally attain that true sense of happiness and not just a superficial smile.

but it turned out that pinkie was just making a fool out of me. pinkie told a friend who in turned told me what pinkie really thought of me.

which totally crashed my world.

it's like, i never knew that pinkie'd lie. i never thought that those things that pinkie said were just superficial and not what they seemed to be. i thought that everything was the way i thought it'd be, but actually they werent. i'm wrong to take it that things changed.

cause, it made a turn for the worst.

right after i found out that pinkie thought of me that way, i began wondering why. i realized many things that were both on the either sides of extremes. good and bad.

i realized that it was wonderful that i sat way away from pinkie in physics and other lessons with the exception of chemistry. i realized that it was wonderful that everything wasnt perfect but totally flawed, because that would prevent more emotional breakdowns and upsets on my part.

but those few good things didnt outweigh the bad.

i realized that now, the family which i regarded as something so important, is broken. a puzzle, without a piece can never be complete. just as it is with the absence of pinkie. i realized that i should have listened to ak, samantha, cassandra, yanyi, and all the others who told me to let this ungodly relation go, but i didnt listen.

i realized that i shouldnt have listened to sufyan and held on to it, cause now i am suffering. i realized that my selfishness in bonding things with pinkie was hellish, cause that made jestyn feel shunned cause i didnt take him like a brother. i realized that i shouldnt have immersed myself in melancholy like what madeline and jason was yelling at me about.

but i did, just to help prevent any more cracks in the surface of the friendship.

there's so many wrongs that i did, that made this whole friendship lead to other chaotic moments of my life. i realize how much i've shunned my other friends aside, just to make pinkie feel better, when i neglected others.

i cared for pinkie from the tip of the hair, to the end of pinkie's toes. got worried when pinkie just wasnt the pinkie i knew. when pinkie relied so heavily on the same social circle. but i see now, that i shouldnt have bothered.

i see now that i've tried. i've tried to care. tried to mend things. by asking pinkie to go to school together to mend communication gaps. sms-ed pinkie to make sure that the element of trust and friendship is still there. talked to others about pinkie to make sure that things were fine.

but all these efforts for what? what have i gained? heartbreak, loss of a friend, loss of other friends, pain, misery, sadness and a whole lot of melancholy in my mind and soul to deal with.

i believe that i've done my best. i'm totally drained now. from all my efforts in trying to make things changed. but i've failed. and i see no point in hurting myself to make things go on.

it's okay that i'll always feel inferior to pinkie and to the whole world. it's okay that i can never hold any superiority in sports unlike pinkie and the world. it's okay that i am never able to attain happiness and confidence. it's okay i'm denied of financial health unlike pinkie and the world.

like what the once legendary william hung said;

"i've tried my best, and i've no regrets."

i know that if things change and pinkie's willing to come back again, then of course i'll accept pinkie back. but if pinkie's going to continue shunning, humiliating and accusing me of wrongs, then let pinkie be. at least i know that pinkie's content with all that hurt that pinkie's going to cause.

kitty told me that she feels that i should find out what the turn of events mean. whether it's to make me see that i've to change. or it's to make me see that pinkie's letting things go.

she's right. i've got to know what things mean. but even if i do, i wont do anything anymore. i'm totally tired of being in a horrendous chasm filled friendship that doesnt end with peace and friendship. it's pinkie's decision what pinkie feels that pinkie should do.

now, i know that i should mend things with my other friends. those whom i've neglected so much. those whom i've shunned selfishly just to complement another friendship. so i'll do everything possible to change things.

as of now i've;

a meeting at starbucks with madeline, jason and the rest of t-star members. a trip to orchard with jestyn. a movie with nicole, jestyn and some others. lunch with some ex-primary schoolmates. dinner with some long lost friends. sentosa with sam and others. the list goes on.

at least now, life is peaking again. in the sense that everything else is picking up. and i'm glad. final year examinations are coming soon. best of luck to all.