187; emotionally guilty?
Saturday, September 3, 2005

all this guilt and regret that is sinking in is going to elevate to anger and frustration soon if it doesnt end. seriously, my thoughts are limited and i dont know what i am supposed to do or feel or whether being myself towards this situation is wise.

pinkie.

somehow, pinkie's making me feel as though things are better. as though everything just ended and the friendship is starting over again, crisp and fresh. i wonder whether it's that easy from pinkie's point of view; cause it's not in my light or perspective.

i mean, what is expected from me when i've been slandered and humiliated to such an extent? am i to just take everything with a pinch of salt, make it seem as though nothing happened and move on smiling without a single agression of feelings after the torment and pain?

hello, i aint a cyborg. or an artificial intelligence, just to make my point known here. pinkie didnt know what he's done seriously. he practically destroyed my feelings and faith in the world by stating what he did. it was as though, what the fuck, i've nothing in this world to cherish.

it's that what he's trying to imply? cause if it is, the realization has sunk in, deeper than he expected. i've been so hurt, so lost. i've lost faith and interest in things that i once loved. and now become more self conscious seriously. he has only one person to thank and congratulate for my fall; himself.

i know that he's never had these emotional plagues bothering him. being a son to rich parents, what's there for him to worry? nothing that concerns life obviously. maybe because of that, he doesnt treasure what he has.

true, i can admit that it was my fault for caring too much. i shouldnt have bothered to that extent. i dont' know. maybe with the presence of my sister, i thought that with god relations, you should dote on the other. clearly that's a bad assumption that i made. cause it caused my own downfall.

people can claim that pinkie is the best member of s cube. go ahead and claim all they want, i know and am aware what my presumptions, thoughts and feelings on pinkie are. and i dont need any promiscuous talks or positive influence to get to me. i've my own mindset, thank you!

how am i to have faith that things aren't going to repeat? what am i to think and feel that i should give everything a chance again?

i'm tired and bothered. it's been me giving like some weakling. a dependent weakling who desperately hangs on to the friendship. but again, it could be because i've faced the painful reality of losing friends, of not having friends but he doesnt. which thus probably inculcates that nasty habit of not treasuring whatever fragments that are left.

i dont mind giving to a friendship where things go well. but for god's sakes, this is a friendship that has killed me so many times. damn it. it's damn fucking sickening that i've been that leech trying to make things better and lasting. there he is, making things seem like a worthless piece of shit.

mudpie claimed that pinkie's like that cause of nervousness. since other people started labelling him because of him hanging out with me. god, must he really stoop that low? what's with the world sometimes? i dont know why he must let something like that get to him. it's stupid and oxymoronic.

i cannot imagine that he'd be such an asshole and be manipulated by these stupid rumours or comments. but it's fine. what's more, mudpie stated that pinkie's just putting an act and that he's never accepted me as a friend.

now, pinkie has been like sms-ing me and chatting with me in msn. it's kinda obvious that i'd be weirded. it puts me at a crossroad where i dont know what to feel. whether hopeful that things changed or be angry that he's being a two-faced idiot. people's words arent helping. also, i dont know how to find out the truth about his actions since my questions will receive a one-worded response.

it grates on my nerves that things are now at this little juncture. i am paused at what to think. emotions are clouding my logic. i cannot deny that somehow i want things to change, but at the same time, i dont want things to change for fear that history is going to repeat itself.

look at how ambiguous things are?! everything is soo.. vague. i know that i still miss pinkie. the memories. but now that he has hurt me with all those nasty words, i just cant take it anymore. it's as though i feel those months of faith and belief have gone down the drain, that nothing more is left. an empty shell that's just awaiting to rot.

memories are sweet. but how sweet must memories be to cloud the eventual pain of my suffering? it's like, i may think of all those times i laughed at his face because i was sad. those times when i felt that my world crumbled and he gave me that lost expression, i may treasure and miss them.

but memories can only be so much. the fact lies that he just couldnt be bothered and i never felt that i was a friend, much worse a brother. memories are few and limited. they cant block out the eventual pain and misery over the course of what has happened.

i got to be strong. and believe.

if this is really the true turning point and i see that it is, i'd again give it a chance. but if not, then i wouldnt bother. neither would i bother if i find myself in a situation where i'm lied to believing that this is a turning point.