188; smiling facades
Sunday, September 4, 2005

i dont know what i've been doing but i realize that my smile is so worn out, it's obvious that it has reached the line of superficiality. i hope that no one else but me has realized since i dont want them to think that i've grown attitudish or something.

seriously, i've been crying from morning till now.. been thinking of all the messages that i've been receiving. it seems that things are changing, that part is something that i cannot deny, but the truth that i'm hurt doesnt change.

i've been down ever since pinkie criticised me about all those things. i aint myself, i can see that. but even so, i just dont know how to stop myself from feeling all this pain and burden. even the thought that cyanide can kill doesnt bother my pain anymore.

i've lost interest in writing verses of poems and literary stuffs. i cant be bothered with things that once bothered me. everything seems fallen. not gone but destroyed. the fire that once ignited my passion in doing things that i've loved and liked has been put out.

right this moment, all those thoughts of the times when i walked along that path to school are coming back to haunt me. the sweet incident at block 220 where i finally felt that life was turning around is now mocking me for my shallow trust. those moments when i was looking at the car with the license plate eg1143t and laughed at it with that friend, is just tormenting my mind.

i need something to keep me company. i cannot deny that i still miss all those friendships that i've lost. also i cant deny that with all the words that that person said, i now realize where i stand in everyone's life. that i'm just a surface friend. maybe it's been destined to be that way.

i cannot imagine that pinkie could sms me saying that the reason why he thought the way he did was because he never did all those things before. but in the first place, i wonder incessantly why he had to lie to both himself and me by carrying those actions out and then turning around and using that as an emotional leverage against me.

i never said that i wanted to be lied to just to have those things which i loved so dearly. so i shall leave it at that.

memories do plague emotions and mindsets. but what can i do? i'm a mortal not a cyborg. hurting things are meant to hurt. and so i'll accept whatever that's there.