189; emotionally guilty (again)
Saturday, September 24, 2005

let me see. exams approaching and seemingly everything is very much hellish and packed. pinkie's been okay and seems to be smiling at me when eyes meet. but i'm just ignoring. cause i know that he's just pretending. just like how jestyn said he would.

life's good. i'm feeling much better since the fourth of september. i recall how it seems to be hell when pinkie said those drastic words. but now that things have been over and i've dealt with my emotions (with much help of my friends) and god siblings. kuong hing has been rocking nice and so did the rest.

but sadly the fact lies that xx has changed a lot. lots of people have realized it but no one just wants to state it simply because we all can't comprehend the changes that has occurred to her. let's hope that things will be okay.

sufyan says that he feels bad now that pinkie and i arent friends anymore. as far as he's concern, he stated that he wanted us to be great brothers because he wants me to realize how wonderful it is to have a god brother. hahas. thanks sufyan. but it's okay. i mean, things arent anywhere that good anymore. everything's gone. but at least i have the memories.

it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

i'll remember all the fondness of the short period of us being brothers. but after that, i shall just be neutral. it's true that i feel sad. since everyone around me are talking about their god relations, those conversations just serves as an emotional trigger that seeks to evoke the emotions of the past.

i realize that somehow, things have to end somehow or another. i mean, i see that at least now, pinkie's much happier. and i think that's best. i still have other friends. to enzali, should you read this anytime in future. i want you to know that you're one of the greatest friends that i've ever had. you could understand me and was there for me during the period when i felt i've no one to turn to.

god bless you.

now, everyone seems to reach the peak point of exhaustion with school daunting upon us tonnes of homework and assignments simply because they want the little element of success in the upcoming final year. and i believe that i need to dril YAS into doing some revision if our dreams in being top were to come true.

listening to avril lavigne's songs makes me all emotional. madeline is now putting me in a backseat as she is having her final year exams soon and i dont feel that there's many that i can turn to since everyone are busy with their own obligations. so i guess i must handle my emotions on my own and well.

right now, everyone is pinning their hopes on me to burst into pinkie and mudpie. why? because they think that we are still friends. sighs. must the world always coincidentally remind me that i've broken friendship ties with them? it seems that they want me to knock into them some realization towards studying.

come on. let's think about this rationally.

pinkie and mudpie.

they are rich, with pinkie being the really rich person. it's kind of obvious that money that their parents have, they feel superior to the whole world and that they feel that no matter what, ultimately, they can hold on to that fortune and still have a glorious future no matter they succeed or fail in studies? sad? it is.

they are in a gang. and i can't just "burst in and knock realization into them" just like that. their groupie comes as a top priority and no matter what that fact shall still remain. i have realized why they dont treat other friends seriously, because they feel that their comfort zone and their real friends are always within their social groups or gang and no one else.

what am i to do? mrs wee, mrs liang and so many other members of staff and teachers and students and friends expect me to do that. but i cant, damn it. maybe last time when we were close, i could check and ensure that work is being done, studies are carried out et cetra. but now, that same thing isnt as simple and easy.

friendships seem intricate. what's more, my torturous self inferiority just doesnt allow me to like happily bound along and check on them as a friend. with all these expectations from other people that i should do something about their behaviour and demeanour, i feel burdened.

and hell depressed.

it's like, it doesnt mean that just because the friendship has ended, doesnt mean that i dont care for them anymore. i do care and still care. but to the extent of talking to them and making them realize? no, i dont think so. it's hard and that's undeniable. no one can deny the fact that i've always been self-conscious towards all these euphemism about being with the "in" people.

but deep within me, i know that i dont want them to fail. but at the same time, i dont know how i am supposed to prevent it from happening since i dont have any connections with them. it's sickening and damn saddening that i am just hopeless and not being able to do anything and am just watching this upcoming disaster slowly unfolding.

save them.

then save me.