192; tiring consequences
Thursday, October 6, 2005

second day of exams and currently i'm all tired out and irritated with all the consequences that have been occurring. exam sitting positions is kind of a pain since i'm in front of you-know-who and it kind of serves as an emotional trigger.

i read somehow enemies, as they become friends, they are best friends. maybe i am an exception. i dont know why but somehow it seems as though i am a decoy in life. now, dont give me a lecture about my inferior feelings, since i dont know how to avoid them.

i just dont understand why friendships had to come to this. this year has been such a fucked up year. i lost friendships, and things dont help since my mother is now talking about divorce even more often nowadays. it's kind of sickening and emotionally pained.

i mean although i am not in a position to interfere with the business of my parents but even so i just cant help but feel concerned about the whole family. i mean, i dont want my sister to suffer from a broken family. it has been emotionally staggering for me enough without having the support of a family. for my sister to not have a complete family.. isnt that suicide?

i lost durianhead and strawberry. jayz is gone (didnt i tell you the end would come?) and to think i was the one who was not so enthusiastic about it but they were the enthu ones. but now it's me with the broken shards of memories.

maggie mee incessantly claims about how wonderful cherry in their friendship. although i know that i should be happy for her, since her friendship is going fine but somehow, i cant help but feel immensely jealous and envious that other friendships are fine and mine is going hellishly topsy-turvy.

then again, i lost that best friend ultimately.

it's true that somehow i blame myself for caring so much. ultimately i didnt heed sufyan's advice about the friendship. i lost a friendship that i truly treasured for once. ahahas, i sound damn emotional. pardon people, but seriously, sitting in front strawberry just now is really a strong emotional trigger.

what's more, blurboix tends to look at me with this frank and telling look at me as though i am sort of supposed to decipher that look. it's as though he's aware of all the hell that has been happening. sufyan also doesnt help with the whole blurboix issue.

i'm kinda of losing mudpie as well. i dont know. it feels as though i am a middleman between uhh, a subject? no no, nothing to do with school. just a friend.

victoria is gone? i dont know, things seem so weirded when she called yesterday and addressed me as "bro". it feels alienated. as though after a year and she finally decided to bridge that super huge communication gap. shucks. seriously, all this friendships are making me lose it.

hopefully things get better. but as always, things run counter to one's wish. i just hope that one day would not show the same outcome again.

strawberry/pinkie.

put it this way. i never said that i agreed being a middleman between others and him so please dont expect me to. quarrels always remain quarrels and i always cannot do anything to change circumstances. i mean, it's painful to see people you love as friends straying to the wrong side. and you're just there watching them destroy themselves.

then again, who am i to judge? life is going to be painful. it always has. all i can do is accept it.

things that strawberry said made me feel like the lowest vermin on this earth. i got to admit that initially, i thought inferiority would be rid from my being, but after what he said, i must admit that i feel worse. it's like i dont even know what i'm doing sometimes. like i'm just innnocently following the path of life.

oh wells. as though anyone would bother knowing all this.

emotionally psychotic azri.
byebye.