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Wednesday, November 2, 2005

now at belinda's house. it's so cool la. so unlike mine. i kind of forgotten the fact that sometime in the past before the arrival of my sister, things were so peaceful. i remembered how i could do things i wanted to do when i wanted to. and i always had the freedom without any worries at all.

now it's sooooo different. it's more like all my living moments are filled with thinking about the future and the tomorrows of tomorrow. it's filled with an endless void of uncertainty and worry that i cannot remove. minor financial problems and so on. the list is endless.

how's balls you may ask? like how i predicted, it's over. and i kind of expected it. although i am sad. i mean, all i wanted is just a best friend and i thought that balls was one. but i realized that in the friendship, i was merely a burden and a parasite that is coped with until the time arrives to annihilate it totally.

but i dont blame anyone but myself. i asked for too much. balls had nothing to worry about. having come from a rich and respectable family and born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he never had a problem except for his studies. what's more he had a group of friends that he always had around him.

which makes me realize now that most probably, that's the reason why i was not even bothered. why should i be someone regarded as a friend when balls has people more cool and has more street cred than me? it's true that things got worst off than i expected. but it's destined so what can i say?

i realize that somehow, i am worrying friends with me immersing myself in melancholy and always in sadness but somehow, with the chain of events that have been happening, i wonder how am i supposed to like, even be happy. the use of words that balls used at criticising me from my family to my social status.

thanks so much balls.

now, it's something that i have to live with. it's true that i am feeling even more inferior and low of myself. i dont deny that i always wanted a god brother when sufyan told me that it's like having a best friend and close confidante. but now i wonder whether it has been a huge error on my part to be so hopeful that such things are actually true.

sufyan is lucky. i mean, he has had a wonderful best friend. so cool.

elita.

thanks for your note. it's just that i dont know what to do now that all the fears of my life are tumbling even more so realistically than ever. hidup berada di dalam kegelapan. i wonder whether my emotions would be better if i had the chance to go out and spend time with friends.

but even so i dont have the chance. i want to. but i dont know whether i'd enjoy it. especially since now i am in an emotional mood and little things tend to upset me. i dont know what's happening to me. but seriously. it's more i am like getting emotionally ravaged and deranged now.

elita! shall we go window shopping? sighhs. don't think the chance will be there.

additional mathematics project sucked eggs. seriously. i just dont know what to do. it seems that the group wants to solve it but sickeningly there's no chance and no time. school has been so concentrated at the peak of the project and because of that we cannot get focused onto the project.

recently i just dont understand why seemingly a lot of things have not gone the way it should. emotional crisis. family problems. whoaa. this is a bad year.

i dont know. i just want things to be better. i want things and conditions to improve. i'm sick of having wrecking nightmares that only seek to destroy my soul. i'm tired of having to worry about things in life that only causes me to cease in my duties and goals. along with my aspirations and endeavours.

wells. i'm trying desperately to be happy. but seriously, i just dont know how am i supposed to happy. worries are just not ending. even happiness is short lived. can someone please save me?

i just think that maybe i need one nice long walk along the sidelines of a beach and just have fun. i mean, maybe a long long walk along sentosa and just have fun or something. maybe that might help. but even so, i am highly doubtful. the threat of feeling inferior and worried about strutting along the beach with highly narcissistic people around me.

sighs.

let me mull my worries over.
byebye.