197; welcome to my life.
Thursday, December 8, 2005

THIS POST IS GOING TO BE TOTAL BITCH. SO IF YOU'RE AGAINST SENSITIVE CONTENT, DONT LOOK. SUFFICIENT WARNING PROVIDED.

i hate you mom. just as my emotions are getting controlled, you enter and ravage my life again like a berserk mafian. now, i again get the blame when you know that the fault is clearly yours to shoulder. my anger is not only wild and raging now, it's more augmented than ever. you only have yourself to thank.

good grief, i just dont understand why you must be so selfish. first you tell me that it's wonderful that i have academical aims and so on and so forth like raffles junior college and ntu, but another second, you can be the one to totally deter me from my goal. i should've known that all these actions were your connivings and euphemistic attempts at making me trust you.

i now dont. the bloody fucking asshole who created the goddamn meaning of holidays clearly believed in the principles of holidays; that is to use this time to relax and unwind from the stress and pressures encountered throughout the year. after three draining terms of stress and pressure (which is amounting, since it's now heading to the o's), you dont give me a chance to let myself relax. for just a while.

instead, you incessantly hurl chores at me, claiming that i havent had my fair share. you say that the things i'm given arent chores but important duties i must undertake. righttt. whatever, important, as if!

another thing, this period of holidays are the time when it's best to treat me as a relief bag. rant at me. rant, rant, rant. rant at me about me being skinny, sickly, frail and so on. yell at me when i cant cope with the pressures of homework and chores, et cetra. you think that i am a superified robot is it? but even so, i dont think that even robots are capable of such miracles.

then, when i'm tired and take a rest, you yell, claiming that i'm lazy. that i'm this and that. i'm nothing of the good, just all of the bad. thanks mom, you're NOT a morale uplifter, your just an INFERIORITY BOOSTER.

when i watch tv, you claim that i prefer the programmes to chores. when i stay in my room doing my work, you claim that i'm not doing the work but lazing around in my room not wanting to mingle with the family. like duh. ever since my sister came along, i'm nothing but a yelled at servant.

not only that, my allowance also becomes a topic of debate. you always say that it's a lot. it's peanuts, considering that i'm straining pockets to pay for my entertainment, school items and so on. i'm trying my best to make do with what i have, but there you are claiming that i'm a spoilt brat. everything i want, i had to save shit for it, simply cause you told me to take responsibility. but when i recall your words, i just cry on my soft pillow, my only source of comfort.

things that i've received was what you deemed made me spoilt. but what you forgot was that all those things i received were thanks to dad. not you.

why do you think friends seemed more important to me? cause you dont make me love the things i have at home. i hate coming home, to the sermons i face, to the pains of doing things i love in the dead of the night cause i cant do anything anymore in the afternoons. also, i'm never a priority in your list.

then there's a school factor. fine. it may be the holidays, i admit but school duties still pulls me to school okay? so why are you denying me from going to enzali's for additional maths project meeting? you say it's just a meeting. damn it. just a meeting? meetings are crucial step to success. are you thus indirectly telling me, my DEAR mother, that you want to hinder me from school and success?

what's more, you always make it seem as though i always get my piorties wrong. that i shouldnt go out running with haiguang, that i shouldnt go starbucks with madeline, that i shouldnt hang out with bryan. hello? these short meetings with friends are things that prevent me from landing in a mental hospital from being overloaded with all the shit at home and school. do you know it hurts? do you?

to cap it all off, you can complain to your sisters aka my aunts about my connivings as a son. bloody hell. then they should know something - that you melodramtize everything. what you refer to as 'short' equate to two hours plus. whilst a few times equate to many times.

i'm a nice son not to reveal all this horrible facts. i can quarrel back at you with FACTS, not fictitious remarks like you. i honed them from quarrels with darling madeline and haiguang. but i always held back. but you never knew how to hold your ground.

also,do you realize that you are somewhat very much plagued by a bad case of contradictionial senses? one moment you can make it seem i'm not a son, but a object using which you show off to others. you know that attitude makes me puke?
it may be the natural bahaviour of parents but i just hate it. then another second, you can start using me as a landmark of humiliation.

it's no wonder that i'm so inferior sometimes. you always make it seem as though my skinniness is a wonderment for the world to behold. i know that my body is scrawny, my health is poor and sickly. but dont you know how to lay off and stop criticising me to such a damn extent. would you like it if you were placed in my shoes? would you? cause i dont think so.. however. parents are ALWAYS right, isn't that true, my dear mother?

selfishness was never a virtue but you made it seemed as though it was. you knew the dangers of quitting a job but you went ahead with that decision claiming that you're intending to go into business, assuring me two years ago that determination overcomes everything. but now, what are you doing? nothing.

a talent that i have to hand it to you is the capability of you to turn tables to others. you realized that this situation had your name written all over it as the source. but you shifted positions and pushed the blame towards me. that has been the contingency plan that you planned. high utility bills were all my fault. any mishaps were all my fault. if i was such a decoy, WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME GET CHOKED ON THE UMBILICAL CORD AS I WAS A BABY?!

that would put an end to your ill-fated miseries wouldnt it?

you are also unashamed to claim that it's a sin for children to be rude to parents. okay fine. i am aware that it's a sin. but hello, i am the one who is victimised and suffering from this torment, why should i be sinned? if i really am sinned in such a manner, then i'd rather be a sinner.

threaten me all you want. i'm a decoy and that's not going to chance. i'll always be that object of humiliation and criticism in your eyes. you can always blame the medical bills on my sickly health. it's okay. go ahead.

madeline and haiguang also came to our house before to talk to you mom. they had explained my situation. i remember crying at having been pried of all the secrets that i have been hiding within me. you said that you will change. you promised. but you lied. you remained indifferent about your ways.

why did you have to complain? you told dad. got myself a lecture that totally brought hell crashing upon my head.

all those times that i yelled and lost my temper, you stated that you didnt nurture me well. you're wrong, you did nurture me well. but you forgotten that i was growing up and earning myself a new life. you wanted to take me under your wing. you forgotten to let me soar.

i'm tired of all this. i know that after publishing this post, i'm going to get wonderful comments that can either be with me or against. but i dont care. i'm tired. i shall wet my pillow again with my tears again tonight.

PS. to zihao, if you ever read this entry, maybe you'd understand why i took god relations so seriously. i just lack a lot of things at home. i'm sorry.

PSS. friends you rock socks. love you all.

PSSS. madeline, dont worry okay? good luck with your posting.