248; pains of volleyball
Sunday, April 22, 2007

with response to EVELYN'S TAG, i am here to highlight that i miss ALL nanyang, shuqun and anderson friends.

hope that that bolded statement sheds some light on my feelings.

evelyn, i really miss all of you guys okay?

anyway, i just had some time to think about what i'm doing in anderson. i'm pretty down by the fact that, i don't know whether i've made the right choice in going for volleyball. though now, i cannot do much about it but go for trainings, it's just painful to sit there, somewhat understanding the criticisms that they're lashing at me, indirectly in chinese.

i know that i'm a new player. but sometimes i wish i could tell them.

"how would you feel if you've always wanted to be in a certain sport, but never had the chance. and suddenly, an opportunity is opened up to you? obviously, you'd jump at it. now that i have taken the chance, i wonder whether i've made a mistake, because you guys hate me since i'm just a pathetic and useless player.

"every time i observe you guys before and after training, all i wish is to train with you guys, rather than train against the wall. how would you feel if you were in my shoes, ostracised from the hall, and made to train elsewhere, just cause you're not on par with the rest?

"i know that it's competitional season, and i know you guys want to train immensely, but is it that tough for you guys to just give me an hour's grace to train me up so that i can be an asset, rather than be your topic of malicious gossip? it hurts, and it doesnt take an idiot to know that it hurts.

"you don't know how it feels, do you? you've always been the elite players, and now i've come into the picture, and all you seek to do is to degrade and humiliate me."

sighs.

so now, i really don't know what to do. it's like i'm torn between dreams and social problems. taahira said that it's better to be a good player in a lousy team or a lousy player in a lousy team than to be a lousy player in a good team.

and i'm literally a lousy player in a champion team. sighs.

i just cannot stop making mistakes now, can i?

i'm so depressed now.

someone cheer me up.

or just hug me. and don't let go.

okay, i know that's so not going to happen, but it's a nice dream.