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Friday, August 24, 2007

(i've a BAD feeling that this post is going to be peppered with loads of obscenities. to those who are new to the world of 'fuck', 'shit' and 'bitch', or are sensitive to the usage of such terms, i implore you to leave. really. i'm experiencing a goddamn load of mixed emotions that i dislike, hence, let me just express it.)

and to those who claim that guys who express emotions and worries are wimps and sissies, please take the liberty of fucking yourselves.

*exhales

these few days have been torturous. i don't know why, but torturous. it's been really tiring to go through the same routine at school, face the same lecture-tutorial approach to learning and trying to negate the pressure and stress that i undergo by having fun with friends.

i mean, is this what being a jc student is all about? meeting deadlines after deadlines?

my friends' blogs are reflecting their suicidal and sadistic sides. thoughts of death. ending their pain, not being able to handle and cope with the pressure of life and whatever else there is to being a student. it's sad really. that that has become what studies is all about. it's more like cramming so much, on a system interface that can cope with so much.

i know it borders down to one's responsibility and all, but perhaps i'm not doing it as effective as i thought i'd be. i've been crying a fair times lately, trying to just lessen the pain that i feel. but i fail.

everytime i come home, i get so sick and annoyed, because my mom and sister are like screaming and crying. i seek refuge in my room, hoping that with the door closed, i'll be able to shut myself from the world and just catch my breath for the next fifteen minutes. it never happens. assignments demand my attention. school responsibilities need to be settled.

and now, i've high blood pressure. now, my parents kind of bother to ask how's things at school. but given how they've not really showed much concern except as to the grades i obtain, how am i supposed to just bare my soul and mind. how am i to admit that i'm crumbling inside? that the facade on the outside is just something i express, not wanting people to worry. not wanting people to know, cause i'm afraid that they'll judge me.

i used to believe that crying helps. that crying out your pain and sorrow will address the problem. that i can stand up again and faced the world with a renewed spirit and vigour. but no. i don't. i'm still stuck in that cycle of pain and sadness.

i'm lucky that i've friends. but again, i don't know what they think of me. joyce meyer said that, no matter who you are, there'll be that ten percent who hates you; therefore, concentrate on the ninety percent that loves you. though i agree, i don't deny that it hurts if there are some in my own class whom dislikes me.

now with the promotional examinations coming.. i'm not even prepared. with pharmachem, it means one more paper, one lesser day to celebrate before pre j2 lessons and revision begins. i know i must start, but with my low levels of self-esteem, confidence, and all, the last thing i want is to revise, and the thing i want most is to hug a good friend and bawl my eyes out.

anderson chose a screwed date for teacher's day celebrations. they're celebrating on monday, when every school that i'm aware of is celebrating on friday. the known and believed rationale among the student populace is? the school is worried that if they end the term on a high festive mood, the students will be complacent.

can they please consume a solution of sodium cyanide and be highly poisoned, before drinking water and being gassed by sulphur trioxide so that they explode from the highly exothermic reaction?

okay, overdose of chemistry. but really. the initial words i had in mind were vulgar in nature. i'm changing okay?

i was so psyched to head back to shuqun secondary to like celebrate teachers' day. to meet cassandra, ak, sufyan, nathan, jestyn, daphne, mai and so on and so forth. now, they've taken the only thing that i've been looking forward to for the whole of august and september.

they should really stick white-hot pins in their eyes.

i don't know what to do. assignments are going up at a geometric rate, and i'm in an emotional mess. khairul said we'll meet. now, with promotional examinations looming ever nearer, i doubt that i'll meet the nanyang rockers. i've to fight the war alone.

shall press on alone.

no matter how dismal that may sound, i guess i don't have much of an option anyway.