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Saturday, November 10, 2007

i'm deeply in love with computer games for some strange reason..
those days in shuqun where majority of the guys just ostracised me prevented me from realising it's entertainment value, i presume.

bryan was talking about how he wants to do exercise.
well, i'm not exactly sure whether he's talking about exercise or getting tanned.
as far as i'm concerned, i think he shouldn't be so down about it.
just do some exercise bryan!
it's not that hard; it requires some determination and perseverance.
we've taxed our brains so much..
yet we ignore the fact that our physical self require some work.
i guess life follows an equilibrium.
you work with your head, so you need to work your body!
bryan, join us for swimming!

i was looking through the class photos of my secondary school years.
it's pretty.. pretty sad really.
sometimes i wonder whether what wenson said it's true.
like, if i had gone to another school, would i be experiencing this bad suffering?
i don't know really, i've moved through the years expecting the same treatment.
the experience in anderson and nanyang where i was just accepted for who i am was really great.
like, it was a breather..
no longer did i have to erect those immense barriers protecting myself from hurt.
well, there are still machiavellians, but i've heard that there's always a 10 percent who hates you.
hence, concentrate on the lovely 90 percent.
really, it just got me thinking.
furthemore, with the four-see chalet looming ever closer..
i don't know whether i want to go for it.
since i'd rather not experience torturous feelings of ignorance and inferiority.
however, i've promised jestyn to go for it..
we'll see how things go.

bryan suggested that i organise some outings.
yeap, i've my mind set on a sakae sushi lunch or dinner buffet.
i was supposed to have a buffet with cassandra and ak, but i guess they're too busy.
hence, i'll have it with my oh-eight darlings.
this time, i shall make sure that we camwhore like there's no tomorrow.
speaking of which, i totally forgot to email the class the pictures we took at the chalet.
GRRREAAAT!
i srsly don't know what's wrong with me.
lack of lessons have made my brain utterly complacent and it shows.
like i couldnt do a simple arithmetic calculation when i bought some postcards just now.
it scares me, so i assume that i've got to start revision soon.
what's more, with my ugly promotional grades, it's quite a clear indication that i've a lot to do.

intoxiqued, a lot of things have happened and i so want to reflect it here.
wenson's leaving anderson, because the school refuses to let him have another chance.
this got me crying for so many days and it jeopardised my communication with my ex.
we broke up soon after and that shattered me further.
throughout this period of time, i didnt know what to do.
i thought things remained simple if i chose to stay in a jc.
i didnt want to immerse myself in school politics, which would happen in polys.
and then, WHAM!
hello, those idealistic beliefs just shattered.
just when i learnt to treasure friendships and learnt what acceptance meant..
everything fell.
i don't know how next year is going to be without wenson.
there's going to be a lot of change, and i don't do change very well.

at times, i feel this major ache in myself.
something that i can't really express well without tears welling up in my eyes.
i do talk to huiqun and other friends about it, but it doesnt seem to ebb away.
at night, like right now, my mind seems to be clogged with so many pained thoughts.
thoughts which i thought i had addressed long ago.
apparently not.
huilong mentioned in his blog that time went by so fast.
well, i wanted to quote more of what he wrote..
but being a student who has undergone project work and learnt to recognise authorship, i shan't do that without his permission.
basically, it's about how friends are feeling helpless.
he went on to discuss how he doesnt like seeing them in such a state.
i won't safely say that he's referring to me..
however, he's made a point, a good one.
that we can't be too dependent on other friends as they might not be permanent.
changes happen.

still, i don't know what to do.
i thought that these two years will just swim by beautifully..
leaving us with nothing but a treasure trove of wonderful memories and a good cert to boot.
hell, misconceptions happen. though in my case, it's a MAJOR misconception.
i just don't know how to handle everything that's going around me.
i don't know how to address the pain that i'm experiencing.
i want it to go away, i'm tired of walking around with a facade..
a facade that portrays a bubbly azri who doesnt seem to give a hoot to problems.
when underneath that mask lies all the uncertainties and worries that are pent up.
i need a release, and i don't know what.
i hope that writing all this, albeit emotional, helps me to slowly overcome the pain.
then again, i need friends to help me through this.
i can't do this alone.
exhales.. they're busy with their own lives.
they've every right to lead free, unencumbered lives.
might not be exactly possible since everyone has problems..
but its' not right for me to add to their plates.