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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

went to school with jaswin this morning.
pretty nerve wrecking, since i've never talked to her before.
our 'hellos' were rather awkward, but we warmed up soon after.
there were so many things i wanted to say, things i wanted to know.
i kept those questions to myself, since i didnt dare voice them out.

and as i looked into her bright, cheerful eyes, the one question i really want answered was,

to know what i am to her.

physics spa was screwed.
i thought i cleared it well, before i realised that i missed out the conclusion.
hell, it's over anyway.

chemistry tutorial was not spent on hydroxy tutorial, but was used discussing time management.
mr vincent goh was talking to the class about how we should manage and allocate our time,
so as to ensure that everything gets done.
he told us that during his school days, he clocked 12 hours of study daily.
the moment he completed that sentence, everything got out of control.
friends were asking him how he did it,
huiqun and i were too stunned to contribute much.

the moment the lesson was over, the same thing happened.
everyone started planning their time.
kathy went into a mantra about the things she had to complete.
bryan kept on telling me that he wants to be mr goh, version 2.
benjamin claimed that he's going to stop playing maple and dota.

it was hell demoralising.
i don't know whether it's just me.
but does being in the jc system means that we stop living our lives,
in a bid to ensure that we clock the maximum number of hours?
it's that what education's all about?
being reduced to robots, not making time for anything else but studying.

yesyes, i've heard of that rhetoric,
the one that goes..
playing games doesnt get you a job,
having fun is a waste of time,
only education earns you a bright future.
i totally concur.
however, at what price?
that we live like empty shells?
without any friends, any sense of fun? without a life?

you claim that it's until the a levels are over.
wake up, please.
the guys will be serving the country in army before heading to university.
the girls will be off to university following the a level results.
then it's the entry to the working world.
so you're going to be working, and working, and working.

the conversations i heard people immerse themselves in after mr goh's lecture made me utterly depressed and demoralised.
sms-ed jaswin, with the initial wish that we could talk on the phone.
decided on chatting on msn, but that doesnt convey the emotions i feel does it?

sighs.
this week has been a really painful one.
one i've spent feeling so down and broody.
all i want to do is hug someone and cry.
i was going to ask some people just now if they wanted to go out over the weekends.
after all that has happened today, perhaps they'd rather do tutorials.
perhaps wenson's prophecy held more truth than i'd ever liked to admit.
let me just internalise all this sadness and pain.
it'd be best if we couldnt feel, wont' it?
since all we're supposed to do is study, what use in there in being able to feel?