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Monday, June 9, 2008

spent the morning thinking about all the conversations i had with smun delegates.
everyone i spoke to had withdrawal symptoms about the whole conference.
everyone mentioned something about not wanting to drift apart.
a conversation with joyce was so emotionally overwhelming.

joyce: IAEA is Cool :D
azri: yea man. everyone was saying how bonded our committee is
joyce: ya...we should maintain that bond
joyce: so afraid we might lose it
azri: EXACTLY!

joyce: let's keep the spirit together
azri: but all this talk about being bonded and staying friends
azri: makes me feel really scared if we drift apart
joyce: ya but as long we hope
joyce: that's the first step

the conversation with her showed that the most important thing is:
to hope that things grow and remain strong.
though subconsciously i know that that's what i should do,
it feels better to know that the others concur with me.
i initiated an outing which initially was supposed to be today.
however, it's too last minute and many suddenly realised that they had other commitments.
it's been postponed to this sunday.
i feel really happy and excited, however, the tug on my heart still exists.

i think i finally understand the feeling of emptiness that bryan felt after the cambridge trip.
the feeling of loss that yiyao and huilong felt after ocip.

shanti introduced me to a song in narnia: prince caspian's soundtrack.
it's 'the call' by regina spektor.
the lyrics are so reminiscent of smun.
i seriously don't understand why is everything reminding me of smun.
smun was great, but i can't cope with the feeling of loss very well.

The Call

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye..

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye..

the words in bold are pretty much what i'm telling myself to believe in.
not to forget everything, that memories will always be cherished.
the ones both underlined and in bold were so powerful that i felt crushed when shanti sent the song to me.
it's just, struck a chord within me.
since it was a feeling that i initially thought only i experienced.
i told myself not to forget, since they were amazing experiences.
i'll always treasure those memories, irregardless of what others think of them.

now that i know that we all feel the same way,
i think the outing on sunday is a welcoming thought.
friendships forged shall be strengthened.
and our memories will grow stronger, and stronger,
till they're right before our eyes.

footnote.
i don't know whether being sentimental is a good thing or not.
i feel like tearing so easily at past memories and everything.
but i'll forever steel myself, cause big boys don't cry.