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Friday, July 18, 2008

so much has happened over the past two weeks.
so much has been gained and lost.
wenson's prophecy seems to be coming through.
no matter how much i try to ignore it,
no matter how hard i tell myself that i'm overreacting,
it's growing more vivid everyday.

the encroaching examinations are creating cliques.
it's pretty sad sometimes, that i come to see that the unity is falling apart.
i don't know what to think anymore.
it's happening across the board.
friends drifting apart, etc etc.
a friend asked me whether something happened within the class.
i don't even know the answer myself.

formed a study group, no, wait, a trio.
a study trio.
me, huiqun, diana.
works out pretty well.
the mugging sessions are tiring, but they're worth it.
we're muchly behind time, but hey, we're going to make it! :D
saw class 24 in the library.
apparently they're mugging together everyday.
i had hoped that the same thing will occur with oh-eight.
but i guess, we can't seem to work together.

the things that some people say irks me.
how they blame another for this and that.
when they're also responsible.
complain about how the environment aint conducive,
when they're contributing to the noise level.
it's never your fault is it?

felt really saturated with frustrations and disappointments.
till last weekend where i went to unwind with haiguang at west coast park.
we wrote our grievances on a piece of paper, waxed it with a candle,
folded it into a boat and let it set sail on the calm waters.
it was as though i ripped out my heart and placed it on the paper boat.
it was the strangest bittersweet feeling i've experienced.
i was happy that i penned out everything i've hidden,
yet at the same time, it was as though i've worn my heart on my sleeve.
for people to see, to smirk, to criticise and laugh at.

on the paper boat, which before was merely an essay, an important line i wrote was:

'as i write this, i feel myself letting go and moving on.
i know that i used to feel down about the friends that come and go.
but i'm glad that i'm not longer blinded and i realised that no matter how i hope and pray, i've got to accept that it's reality.
not everyone remains by your side.
but i'm glad to know that i've learnt who my true friends are.
haiguang, margaret, samantha, jestyn, jazzy, huiqun and some others.
i'm not going to let what's happening within the confines of my home affect me.
i've made a promise to my true friends to do well.
they might have forgotten, but i havent.
we'll persevere, do well, and go far.'

okay, it's not technically a line.
it's more of a paragraph that i wrote.
though it was a heartwrenching thing to do, seeing the water slowly wash away the wax, and the boat starts sinking while drifting ever further away.
like a part of you dies, just as how the boat slowly sinks.
but ultimately, i felt revived, and more positive.

anyhoooo, those paying attention might ask what i meant by the phrase;
'what's happening within the confines of my home affect me.'
well, it's a long story.
but the gist of it?
i'm coming home to a lot of screaming every day.
and it kills me slowly.
everytime i wake up, i wonder how i did it.
and everytime i'm with friends, i just want to hug someone and cry.
but i know i can't do that.
it becomes a vicious cycle, one that i can't ignore, and is one that i can't change.
however, i've told myself to become numb, to ignore everything and focus on what's important.
my studies and my future's important.
i'll focus on that.

goodbye's the saddest word.
i think my heart has silently uttered it to certain people.
people whom i thought were my friends, at the very least.
but again, the ever so idealistic and stupid azri just thought life's a fairytale.
it's a lesson learnt i suppose.
i'll always pick myself up again.

goodnights world.